fitscapades
I went from successful specialist doctor in rural Australia to a homeless addict selling my body for drugs and almost dead to living in full recovery in a three story house 30 meters from the beach with my amazing gorgeous partner, my son, his son, our cat and dog. I am an addict in recovery, my story is quite unique and I didn't live it all only to have it untold as the dusts pass over my grave at the eventual end of my life. I want to give hope to addicts in pain, to their families who worry that true recovery is possible even when you are as bad as I was. I want to try to shift perception in the community that addicts are not a waste of time we are capable of recovery and are not lost causes. I have learned so much and gained so much wisdom walking this pathway to recovery it seems a shame not share this. The lessons I have learned are useful to everyone not just those challenged by addiction.
fitscapades
What I learned about intimacy after selling it
There's a strange disconnect that happens when you look back at a version of yourself you barely recognize. Opening my old escort Twitter account recently was like unlocking a time capsule to someone I used to be—a medical specialist who lost everything to addiction and found herself selling her body to survive.
My descent didn't happen overnight. After losing my medical career to substance abuse, I initially turned to online work with my face concealed. But as financial desperation grew, those boundaries eroded. I remember my first night as an escort vividly—leaving with a thousand dollars cash felt validating when rent was due and my bank account was empty. What began as financially liberating quickly darkened as I was reintroduced to drugs through clients. Late nights, dangerous situations, and intravenous drug use became my normal while I maintained a grandiose self-perception completely divorced from reality.
Recovery has given me profound insights about intimacy and connection. I once justified my choices as sexual liberation and breaking taboos, convinced sharing the most intimate parts of myself with strangers was somehow revolutionary. Now I understand that intimacy is precious precisely because it's selective—not from shame, but from value. True fulfillment comes not from chasing desires or seeking validation, but from authentic connection and selflessness. I've forgiven the person I was without absolving responsibility for my actions. She was someone desperately unwell making choices through the fog of addiction, but she isn't me anymore.
Whether you're struggling with addiction, processing a difficult chapter of your past, or trying to reconcile who you were with who you've become, know that transformation is possible. Your history doesn't define your future. The person you once were doesn't have to be the person you remain.
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Welcome back to Fitzcalades. My name is Michelle and I'm an addict in recovery, and when I was at my most unwell, I burnt my career down. I was a medical specialist working in a hospital, and I lost my career because of my addiction and I found myself working as an escort. I now do not work in the industry, but that was what I did for a couple of years and in in recovery and in the process of of, like creating a brand, if you will, and getting a social media presence, you know, in order to help other addicts. I opened up my Twitter or X account, like the other day, because I thought, well, that's a platform like. The only account I had was my old account, um, which is where I used to promote my uh, yeah, my um work as a sex worker and, um, yeah, I I just had hadn't shut the account down and hadn't opened the app because, yeah, it's not what I do anymore, it's not who I am, and so it was like opening up this time vault of this is like raw and unbridled. This is who I was during that time and it was a full-on experience, actually, I must admit, and it opened a hornet's nest in my mind because for me. I've pretty much shut the door on that. That's not who I am today, but I've not really processed any of it and gone back and gone. Okay, well, that was who I was for you know, how does that relate to who I am now and and what do I think about all of that? You know now that I'm in recovery and essentially, yeah, a different person. So, yeah, I wanted to explore that today. I thought that would be an interesting thing and helpful for me to go back and look at that as well. So how does a medical specialist end up selling her body as a prostitute? How does that happen? So, look, basically, when I was in uni, I did do some stripping for a short period of time, so the industry was not foreign to me.
Speaker 1:And so when I was, yeah, like when I was like working out how I was going to make some money, you know, when I couldn't work as a doctor anymore, I sort of started to do like just some low-grade stuff like OnlyFans and, like you know, online camming and stuff. But I was wearing a mask and very, very closeted still and slowly, as I stepped into that world, I started to have dudes like ask me, you know, for more than just online stuff. And I resisted that for a bit, but then I, as as my bank account and savings got down, the idea became more and more attractive to me and I stepped over the edge and started to work privately as an escort. So at the time, like, I was living with the father of my child, so my ex partner, and the relationship was pretty broken right, like so I had I'd broken a lot of trust and stuff um, through, like you know, being untruthful with my and closeting my drug taking. You know. Then I had like basically lost my career and everything. And then I'd had to admit to my partner at the time you know, that yes, I had been doing drugs and and you know he stuck by me but any intimacy within the relationship was well and truly dead because he just had lost so much respect for me, um, because I'd just turned into such a shithead basically, and like so we were like still like good mates and that and it was amicable, but just there was a lot of fights and arguments, no respect, no intimacy, and so, uh, we were pretty much just sort of staying together really for our son, um, and so when I proposed that, you know, I go and like prostitute myself out, because he didn't really have too many problems with that and he was sort of, just as long as we stayed financial, he was okay with it, um and so.
Speaker 1:But I guess before I didn't come out and tell him immediately what I was doing, and in fact so what I had done was I'd put up an ad, but not in their town that I worked in, I'd advertised in Sydney and I'd planned to just like lie to him and go down to Sydney and have all these bookings set up and do them and then come back with a bucket load of money. And it was such a stupid idea and I was so naive and I'm really so glad that I didn't do that because I had no idea at the time about the concept of dudes who are time wasters, right, who contact you and say you know they're going to hire you for these exorbitant amounts of money and then you get there and they don't show up and I had no concept that there was that sort of a dude out there. And so, in reflection, this whole tour that I planned to do like I didn't even have a place to stay, you know that's how broke I was. I was going to go down there, do these jobs, like they're all out calls, and then come back with heaps of money and like god forbid, I could have ended up murdered or you know, like anything. But my, as the time approached, I like I couldn't do it. And I couldn't do it because I needed my partner at the time to know that that's what I was doing. Like I couldn't do it just without anyone knowing, and I think at that point that was probably my higher self, like stepping in and intervening in like what was probably going to be a catastrophic and very stupid plan. Like I could have befallen so many bad fates, Anyway, so, yeah, so I canned that, but on that weekend that I planned to do that, in fact, I just thought, fuck it, I'll put an ad up locally and and just risk, um, risk, you know, being uh, found out. I didn't put my face on any of the pictures and I was like you know, um, look, um, I, if I'm going to do this, I think I've got to do it in the playground of safety, which is, you know, around in the area that I live.
Speaker 1:So that night I went out and like I remember my first booking, like, and you know, I don't know, it was probably because I was in such a bad headspace and so messed up. I wasn't particularly nervous, I was excited because I, like, at this point, hadn't had any intimacy for years, you know. So, you know, I guess I was lacking in that department. And I remember, like, yeah, I went to this guy's hotel room and I knocked on the door and, yeah, it was really actually a very pleasant experience and I got a lot of money for it and I walked out and it was like a total buzz.
Speaker 1:And that night, I think I saw a few more dudes and I walked away with like a thousand dollars and when your bank account is like nothing and you know you're poor as you can't afford the rent, like that was massively, massively validating experience. You know, like I had dudes who were telling me, you know I was gorgeous and everything and I was making money and and I just couldn't see a downside to it. You know it was, it was uh, it was exhilarating. You know, um, and you know, like the, the money that you earned was all in cash, so it was very tangible. And at the end of the night, you know you had these wads of money and you were putting it in your bank account, you know, and it was all really so exciting because I was living this life of freedom where, you know, I didn't have to go to work at 9 o'clock or 8 o'clock in the morning, you know, and I was earning boatloads of money and, atart, I wasn't really locally connected with any drug dealers.
Speaker 1:So I was actually clean-ish at the time. I was just taking shitloads of modafinil that I was getting off the internet, but otherwise I wasn't really doing. I'd run out of a supply of illegal drugs and so I was kind of relatively cleanish, if you will, um, and yeah, just sort of going along in that manner. And I was. Everything was pretty mums and dads like I was having, you know, like when my son was at school, like in calls during the day and then like the occasional outcourt night, but nothing too, you know outlandish.
Speaker 1:But as time went on, I was exposed to like the more darker side of the society there and a lot of the work was late at night into the early hours of the morning, and then, you know, I was starting to get exposure to more opportunities to taking drugs like. So, you know, when you're a sex worker out like it's inevitable that you're going to be called out to people who are cooked and high. So you know, when you're a sex worker, it's inevitable that you're going to be called out to people who are cooked and high on drugs. And you know, and you can't escape it, it's all part of it, really. And before I knew it, I was, yeah, I started to see the local coke dealer and I was falling in love with him and I was, yeah, just living this life where I'd be, you know, out, all hours of the morning, all night, driving to places far away, cooked on drugs, you know, spending a lot of what I made on drugs as well, and life was starting to really spiral out of control, of control.
Speaker 1:You know, my, I was just doing crazy, crazy stuff because, you know, the rationale was I'd have to stay awake all these hours to get the most money. The worst thing possible was if you fell asleep and woke up and you'd missed all these big jobs because you were sleeping, because you're human sort of thing. And so, yeah, I had no boundaries, no structure to my life and it was all just sort of starting to deteriorate into a spiral where I just was taking more and more drugs intravenously cocaine, yeah, ice and I was becoming more and more unwell. My judgment was poor. You know, I ended up in some really dangerous situations. Ended up in some really dangerous situations and you know, at the end of the time I was just surviving, just living for, you know, taking IV drugs really, and things were pretty miserable.
Speaker 1:But if I look back on who I was during that time like you know, that was reflected in my Twitter post I was just astounded by, like, the level of crassness. You know, because pretty much I was like, okay, so I got, I got uh, so eventually people found one of my ads and and I got, uh, uncloseted, if you will, and then everyone knew what was doing and and then I was like, oh, fuck it, you know, um, I like I'm just gonna blow, so I don't care. Now, you know that was my way of dealing with it. That was ego stepping and going. I don't care, why should I be ashamed? And so then I threw it out to the world for everyone to see. You know, like, so everyone's seen pictures of me at my worst, in my lingerie. You know I had online uh stuff, uh videos and things, and everyone has seen it and I and then at the time, the way I reconciled that was well, fuck it.
Speaker 1:Why should you be, you know, ashamed of your sexuality? You know it's just the same as any other bodily function. You know why does it have to be a taboo around all this? You know I'm going to conquer the world and the taboo around sex. Of course, looking back at that now, I see the error in that and I know why.
Speaker 1:I know it's because intimacy should be kept. You know it's a personal thing. It should be kept. You know it's one of your things that you keep closest and dearest to. You know the whole world doesn't need to see it, and nor should they. In fact, the only people that should be seeing it are the people that you choose to allow to see you in that light or in that manner. You know and it's not because it's anything to be ashamed of, it's because it's something that you should view as being special, and only privileged people get to see that side of you. You know there's other people. You don't want them to see that side because you don't want them to think of you in that manner. You know you have to have relationships outside of the sexual ones that are functional, where people respect you for being a professional or for being, you know, a reasonable person or just a friend, and they don't need to see that sexual side of you. You know, and, as I say, it's not because you know you should be ashamed of that side, it's just that, like when you're going for a job interview or something, you don't want the person who's interviewing you to be thinking of you doing some you know sexual act that they've seen in a video or you know to be thinking about. You know what certain part of your body looks like, because they've seen it and they really know. You know you don't want those sorts of things to be out there.
Speaker 1:Dumb things are best kept as mysteries, you know, and unfortunately, because once you see something you really can't unsee it. Once it's out there, something so shocking like that is difficult to take back, you know. But at the time, because I was cooked and high and you know I just had very, very poor judgment and I, yeah, I'm regretful and sorry about that, you know, I just think you know one of the things, once it all came out, you know, I was, like at the time, deeply embarrassed about people seeing things that I didn't want them to see, particularly my colleagues and stuff at the hospital and that, and at the time I just brushed it off as, oh well, that's just collateral damage. This is who I am now, this is my career path I've taken, and you know, so be it, whereas now, yeah, I, I regret that, I, I I wish that that wasn't one of the consequences of of what I did. But you know, I guess I have to keep living on and you know, I've reconciled, I've, I've forgiven myself for all of that and, um, you know, I guess the look, the thing about the world today that is wonderful is that if you get your shit together you can get second chances. But I would never, ever want to work with a lot of those people, nor see them probably again, to be honest with you, um, but thankfully the world is large enough that that is not an unrealistic sort of wish to have. The other thing, too, is like I separate myself from who that person was, because that's not who I am today. And if we look at the teachings of Buddhism, who we are in our sense of self or our identity, is something that changes over time. You know, we don't go through life being the exactly the same person that we have been where we started out being. And so, you know, I know truly in my own heart that whatever that person did at that time, that's not me, that's not who I am today. You know, I've learnt lessons and I've yeah, I've become a different person.
Speaker 1:I think, like when I started out in the industry and I had this very romanticised and Hollywood picture of how working as an escort would be, and you know, like the whole, you know, I watched that show, the Girlfriend Experience. You know it was on like Stan or something, and like, yeah, I found that really like quite hot and the idea that, you know, she was like going and making shitloads of money and it was all secretive and it was all very glamorous. And you know, yeah, I found that, you know, I sort of imagined that's how it would be and to some extent, as I was going through that, I lived under the illusion that that's how it was. And you know, looking back on the pictures of me, things that was very much far from that, like my pointies were not at all in any way shape or form, like glamorous or, you know, sexy, like hers were, like I just look back on my pictures now and I go, wow, like I was just, really just not at all attractive. It was just, I was just, yeah, just slutty, you know for want of a better word slutty and cheap and desperate and looked like someone with a drug problem. I can see that so clearly now, but at the time, yeah, that's not how I viewed it.
Speaker 1:You know, no-transcript, pedestal, and really all my intelligence was was my ego, you know my over-inflated ego just telling me that I was always right and you know that the way that I perceived the world was exactly how it was and I never questioned myself, you know. And so, yeah, coming into recovery and learning about all these things like ego and your higher self and things like that, I I realized now that you know, I was just so convinced that I had everything down pat. You know, I knew everything and there was no new lessons to learn and that was my gift, you know, it was that I was not only like a hooker, but I was one with a brain that could converse with dudes who had reasonable intelligence and connect with them and things like that. And it was all bullshit, you know, it was all just me being grandiose and on drugs and pumped up, and you know really what I was was someone with a really bad drug addiction, um, and you know, living in a fantasy world, thinking that I was going to one day make a whole lot of money and, you know, succeed, and you know, and that that that mansions and you know, tesla, motor vehicles and all the material things were going to make me happy. Um, and I was, yeah, just so far off beam, like I was just so shallow and narcissistic and it was all about me and um, yeah, I had a long way to go, you know, and like I just didn't see the problem with taking drugs. I was like, you know, because I do have ADHD and to some extent I was self-medicating, but I just didn't see all the problems that came with it. You know, I was like, well, I'm spending a lot of money, but I just need to make more money. That's all what I have to do, you know, and I could.
Speaker 1:Every time I suffered like a downfall, like losing my house or losing my family, it was always everyone else's fault and no one understood me, you know, because I just had this problem and I needed to take drugs to survive and you know, it was all bullshit, layers and layers of bullshit and ego narcissistic sort of self-interest, and just an ego narcissistic sort of self-interest, and I just couldn't see who I was hurting. I had no idea how to respect other human beings and I had no idea how to put anyone ahead of me. It was always all about me. It was all bullshit. And what I see from those photos and from coming out of my writing is someone who is self-entitled, who has got too many tickets on themselves. No respect for other human beings.
Speaker 1:I was becoming cynical and jaded as well and I was just a horrible person at the end of it, like a, just an awful person. You know, yeah, there was no class about me, there was just, it was just all ugly and I was so crass and, you know, even so, disrespectful of the other workers that were out there. You know, because, in my view, I was like, well, I am like supremely better because, you know, look at me, I've got my career like my, not my career I've got my education. I'm so much smarter than all of them. But, like you know, I was so dumb, I was so incredibly dumb because what I didn't, I didn't see any of the dangers that I was putting myself in to.
Speaker 1:You know, going out to see strangers in their homes cooked on drugs, like you know, the how I didn't end up dead is actually beyond me. You know, there were times like there was one time. A dude pulls up again in his van. He's got like an ounce of the best cocaine I've ever seen. How you know, someone who can get their hands on that sort of merchandise is not someone who's a nice person. Anyway. We end up he pulls up behind this, you know, like sugar cane field net, right next to a river, and he's got all these restraints and ropes in the back of his van and he wants to get all kinky. And like I was like suddenly it dawned on me in that moment I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna end up dead bound up in that river. You know what I mean. How have I gotten myself into this circumstance? You know, just yeah, like crazy stuff.
Speaker 1:But for a while there I really really identified with being this sex worker. You know that was who I was and I'd sort of like knocked down so many barriers and lines in the sand to get to that point and that was who I was and and for a while that was who I was going to be, you know, until I couldn't do it anymore. And uh, then it took from my partner it's my ex now who said, like you know, I can't have you working while you know we're together, and that's a very fucking reasonable thing to say or to ask. But for a while that was under the illusion that I could have a completely functional relationship with someone and still go out and do jobs, you know. And for me I was like, well, why can't I do that? You know, that's just ridiculous to think, because I don't go out to fall in love with these men or whatever. You know, it's just a job. You know, and like, I just couldn't see for so long that actually it's not just a job and it's that you're sharing like part of yourself with someone else that the man that you're with doesn't, you know, wants to himself. You know, and that's a good thing that he wants that to himself. That should be something that you keep only for people that are privileged enough to have that, you know.
Speaker 1:And it took me a long time to be able to come around and actually realize this. Um, of course I realize it now, you know, and so, yeah, it was full-on. Like he would say, oh, I could just go and sleep with anyone there and you know you wouldn't, you know you wouldn't have the right to be upset. And I was like, well, no, that's not true, because I'm I don't even want to sleep with these dudes, like it's not out of attraction, it's because of work, so it's different. But I understand now that it doesn't matter about the reasoning. If your partner is going out to fuck other men, no matter what the motivation is, every time they walk out the door, you're not going to be happy about it, and I see it now. But, yeah, again, that was just my complete self-centeredness and inability to see things from my partner's perspective or put the shoe on the other foot and, you know, be empathetic. So, yeah, it was kind of wild.
Speaker 1:I guess, um like during that time, though, like I, yeah, I certainly learned a lot about myself, because before that I was pretty naive and, yeah, not inexperienced. But you know, like I guess my interactions sexually had been fairly like they'd always, always been about me and like empty to some extent. I don't know um like empty to some extent, I don't know. Um like I, yeah, I had dated a lot and that whole year that I was single and dating before I met the father and my child. I can't hardly remember any of the dates. I went on like I went on so many.
Speaker 1:It was such a whirlwind and I think really the bottom line was that it was all about me. It was all about me looking for validation in having attention from men and it wasn't about them. And I still I had no idea about what actually. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to be with someone, I think, but, um, I had no idea what that, what relationship was? Or like, my idea of a relationship was pretty superficial because I was such a self-centered, selfish person, you know. So, like shopping for a part new partner was like, okay, what look am I after this season, you know, or whatever. And then and then when I worked as an escort, obviously I had experiences with men of different, every different work of life and every different category look, shape, whatever, you know.
Speaker 1:And what I discovered about myself is that actually I'm quite sapiosexual, like so you know, if you show me like a picture of a hot dude or whatever, I can appreciate the aesthetics, but I don't necessarily go. I really want to, like you know, have sex with that man or whatever. You know, like I'm not attracted to people based on what their looks are. I have to get to know the person. And it's only once I know who that person is and how their you know features are animated by their character, that's when I can become quite attracted to someone you know. I mean it's even like, um, like my partner now is actually quite a very good looking man, but when I first met him I wasn't attracted to him. I had to really get to know who he was and that's when I developed deep feelings.
Speaker 1:And it's funny because I've been with the hottest dudes, young dudes or whatever, and you'd look at them in the picture and go, yeah, he's pretty hot, whatever. And I can only remember them as the ugliest human beings ever because of the way they behaved and the way they carried themselves and being disrespectful and things like that. Um, and that's given me, yeah, an interesting insight into who I am for sure, and that flipped was flipped all on, completely on its head, because when I suddenly broke up with my ex and I went sort of briefly back on the dating circuit, you know it was a mind blow, like my mind was blown because firstly I was like, oh my god, I'm chatting with dudes, but I'm doing it for free, how's that, you know? Like they should be paying me. And I was like, no, you know, you're not that person anymore. And I was like, well, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Now it's like I don't know what to look for, because I knew that going back just off looks, some of the more uglier dudes tended out to be really the most loveliest, most compatible sort of people, as opposed to looking for who was the hottest sort of thing. You know, it's wild, but thankfully I wasn't in that like arena for too long before I met my partner, who I am with now, and I think that that was almost divine intervention, because if I had to have just dated and um, and freely for a period of time, like firstly, I don't think that spiritually that was something I needed, like I've done well enough of that in my life that I did not need another year of just, you know, promiscuity or whatever, you know, I'm quite glad that I managed to find someone really quickly and spared that, I guess, because of all of the dangers and emotional trauma that could have led me through, you know. So I guess, like, looking back on all of that, you know, so by that part of my life, you know, I'd really truly shut the door and I was not identifying as someone who was working in the industry, you know, and um, but the question would be, like, you know, was that, would that be a line that I could cross now? And I mean definitely not, like I'm not with I'm with my partner and not not, definitely not, you know, and that makes it easy for me to make that decision, you know, and it's also for other reasons other than you know, like being with him. You know, the thing about it is that, okay, like when I was in the industry, I was like okay, so what? It's like a legal thing. You know people that want to stigmatize me for it, you know, fuck off. Like they've got no right. It's legal, I'm allowed to do this, la la la, but the thing about it is is that it's not that simple, right, like.
Speaker 1:So there will always be stigma that surrounds the sex working industry for many reasons, and the first reason is, of course, that to everyone, most human beings, intimacy and sexuality is something that is really deeply personal and only shared with the privileged few who you let into that world, and so it's kind of like not normal to just be putting, putting it out there, like you know, your sexuality for sale, um, openly and publicly. You know it's it's not normal, you know, and a lot of people struggle with that, as they should. And you know, in this world where we have so many prejudices and bias and things like that to overcome, then you know, overcoming your prejudice towards a sex worker is low on the list for most people, and so it should be, you know, because it's not normal. And I guess, secondly, you know, if the main motivation is for dudes to be getting their needs met and they might be in an unsatisfying relationship or something like that, then that's the problem with that. The problem needs to be dealt with in the relationship or get out of the relationship and then go and you know, fuck whoever, like you know.
Speaker 1:But what are you doing? Living two lives Like that's going to lead to so much hurt for so many people and it's a destructive force, you know. But also, I think the other thing too that is destructive about it is like, so you know the thing is, is that like, sex without love is really empty and robs us of something you know and we're really. All we're doing is chasing desires and searching for happiness in all the wrong places. And if we look at the Buddhism idea of what you know, true happiness can be achieved through being selfless, putting others ahead of you. Only when you are at that state is when you can realize happiness and human beings you know like their. Your longevity is can be measured by how many close relationships you have and the quality of the relationships that you have. And the only way that you build quality relationships is if you show up authentically and you are selfless and you put others ahead of you.
Speaker 1:You know, and so you know, like to buy sex and to pay for intimacy is just chasing your desires selfish desires. You're not, and it's going to be maybe good for a short period of time, but then after that there's a karmic cost to pay. You know like. You know, these things cost money. So you know you have financial um, uh, financial consequences through continually. You know, paying for sex workers and uh, there's also, you know, of course, you know, if you're married or whatever, the destruction to your relationship. If you're not married, you know you've paid for the sex and next day that person's not there when really what you want is intimacy, well, you're not married. You know you've paid for the sex. And next day that person's not there when really what you want is intimacy, well, you're not getting that. You know, you're just getting purely the physical uh act and a bit of fantasy around it surrounding that. But you know, that's all.
Speaker 1:And I talk about like this there's this group of dudes who are just looking for happiness and love in all the wrong places, because they can't sort of separate the difference between true like connection and true meaningful love and lust and like sexual desire Like. So, for instance, my ex not the father of my child, the most recent one, like his's seen like he, he likes to get cooked on drugs and then like, yeah, have you know? Like like freak offs um with workers, you know, and like the way that he would describe it is that you know it's just his way of. It's really exciting when you see like a new woman and you know you don't know what's there and then you know you see what's there and it's all very exhilarating and things, and really what it boiled down to is it was all about him and not about having connection with anyone. Like he wanted to get other workers coming in whilst we were together and sharing in those free coughs and that and it wasn't about me, it was all just about him and his need for validation. Really, it was all really very empty and he kind of had this messed up view that once he fell in love with someone, he couldn't then have you know, exciting intimacy.
Speaker 1:And what he couldn't see was, in fact, that If it's all about you and your validation and you know the like excitement of you know, seeing someone new, then you're never going to have a, you know, intimate relationship with someone long term. That's going to be fulfilling, because no one someone is always going to be the same person. You're going to get bored of that person very quickly because, indeed, those moments are not about that other person and you and that bond. It's all about him and so it's very shallow sort of interaction and, yeah, it's just a sort of fable of someone just who's continually, yeah, looking for happiness in all the wrong places, because, of course, in order to be happy, it has to be about the other person you know and you have to be giving and there has to be real substance behind it, not just about how that person looks and whether they find you hot and you know all of those things. It has to be more much, much deeper about how you really connect with that person on a spiritual level, and that's just impossible if it's. You know a new person every time.
Speaker 1:So for me, right like I find that intimacy gets much, much better as you go along in a relationship, you know like the best times are always the worst, times are always the worst, whereas if you look at it through the lens of someone who's a dude, who likes to get cooked and, you know, get lots of workers around, then they almost see it the other way, that the novelty of it is the thing that's exhilarating and what they're chasing. You know, and it's very telling that if you need substances to, you know, get sexy and have your freak off, then it's not true, true connection that you're looking for. You know you're looking to be high so that you've got a grandiose opinion of yourself, so that you could talk more about yourself, and it's all very, uh, selfish and narcissistic, you know. And it's really weird because for me, um, like, fear of infidelity has been a great thing throughout my life, because my father wasn't exactly faithful and so. But I found in older age things that tip, that real fear point for me. I find quite a little bit of a turn on.
Speaker 1:So, like you know, but when I was with him and he was, you know, proposing that he wanted to get other people in and that sort of thing, I was very much opposed to it because I knew it would be hurtful because if he was getting another woman in, um, it would be all about him and his validation and it would be hurtful to me. But like, yeah, with, like, my current partner we've kind of talked about it I was like, oh, it's kind of hot because for me, if I was to enter into any of that sort of behavior, it would be all about my partner and enjoying like his enjoyment, like not, it wouldn't be about me, and I find that that's a different energy and and it's kind of more accepting. I guess it's a very personal thing to share, isn't it? But yeah, like it's interesting the way that I've evolved, even thinking about all of this stuff, you know.
Speaker 1:So, like I used to also be okay with what I did, because I was like, oh, you know, it's anyone's right to feel sexy and desired, and so if you're not getting it home, then why not pay for it, sort of thing. And now I don't think of it quite that way. I'm like, well, yeah, it's true, you know we all do need that, but you should. If you're seeking to get that, then you need to do it in a non-hurtful way. So you know, like, if you're like married or whatever, then I think it really should be, there should be an open discussion with your partner and say, you know, look, I'm not getting it here. So, you know, would you mind? And opening up the relationship a bit.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, like, so you know, I think that the things that I did led to so much hurt and destruction in people's lives because you're sort of opening the doors and going, well, yeah, it's okay if you do that, it's okay if you hurt your partner or another person to do this because you know this is your need, um, when really, I think, fundamentally, morally, that's not okay with me. Now, you know, I think if you're going to do that, if you really have a need that you need fulfilled, you need to do that in a, not in a way that doesn't hurt others. You know, and I guess, if you're opening the door and allowing that person, giving them an avenue to you know have sex, um, um, and you know have sex and you know they might be married or whatever. Then I guess in a way you're sort of condoning that, in a way, I mean, and I guess that's something that I couldn't be okay with now and I guess I don't judge others like for what they choose to do, but for me personally I would not be cool with that. Now, you know. But you know I understand other people do that. There are other sex workers who are okay with it. There are other people going to see sex workers who are okay with that, and that's fine. You know, it doesn't affect my life.
Speaker 1:So I don't really have an opinion on that. I'm talking about me personally as a human being going out in the world. Could I do that line of work now? And no, that's really one of the reasons why, you know. I mean the other reasons are, you know, obviously I don't think I could put pictures of myself up like that ever again, and mainly because I don't know who I'm going to meet. You know, I might be walking down the street even, and it'd be someone who has been surfing the escort sites and they see me. And then you know they see me and all of a sudden all they know of me is this very intimate part of myself that I don't want them to know, being a stranger, you know. And so there's that sort of collateral damage, if you will, that I couldn't put myself out there like that anymore. That's just not who I am and that's not how I choose to fit into society.
Speaker 1:And whilst I overall don't have an moral or ethical problems, I guess with that all going on in the sex industry going on, it's like you know. I know that a lot of people most definitely do have a lot of problems with it. They disagree with it, they think it's and we have to function as part of a society you know you have as a human being. You can't survive on your own. You need to fit in and if you're doing something like that that falls outside of what is accepted as being okay, then you place yourself in the position to be stigmatized and you know people are going to be find it difficult as accepting you into. You know part of the their part of society or part of your neighborhood or part of a working situation or anything you know and that's just one of the consequences of doing that work, you know is is that you life's not going to be difficult. Life's going to be difficult in many other arenas. You know things like getting finance, getting housing, getting loans. You know, even going to the gym people are going to look at you sideways, all of that sort of thing, and these are just not difficulties. I've lived with those difficulties and I, quite frankly, am happy not to live with them now, you know. So I guess the thing is, just because you're okay with something that you do, you can't expect everyone else to be okay and yeah, so I choose not to live, be with the partner that I'm with.
Speaker 1:Say, I broke up with my ex and ended up, you know, like on my own, you know, and leaving income, not in a relationship, but being the person I am today. Could I go back and put an ad up and do that work again? And what I would say is, no, I wouldn't be able to, and I would hope that things wouldn't get so desperate that I would have to do that, because there's really there's so many dangers that would involve be involved in going back into that line of work. You know. Say, for instance, maybe I would think I could do that, but more closeted and be more incognito and things like that, you know, maybe I could get away with it, you know, and then that would be a very slow, slippery slope into not a good life, I think, like because eventually I would be exposed to substances and, look, I've made a really, really strong decision not to be exposed to, to take drugs, and that that works, being who I am and the situation that I'm in right now. But if I was living that lifestyle and didn't have relationships around me that I do today, then that I wouldn't have those protective factors that stop me from doing all of those things. And if it's put in front of you all of the time, you know, then that would be a different story and life probably wouldn't end up quite so good as it is right now, you know. So, yeah, I guess fundamentally no, it's not something that I could do right now and I guess I'm in a different spot now and I'm a different person in a different situation.
Speaker 1:I don't I've forgiven myself for what I've done. I think I've done some very, very silly things and, you know, I guess that's part of what's made me who I am today because I'm just so stubborn I don't learn things the easy way. I have to learn things the hard way. Um, I don't wish to meet anyone ever from the town that I worked in, particularly not if they've seen any of my content and if I've worked with them in a professional sense. I never want to see anyone from that arena ever again because I think that that would be just too challenging. You know, they've seen me in a light that I don't wish them to have seen me in, and that's unfortunate. In a light that I don't wish them to have seen me in, and that's unfortunate. But I guess I can live the rest of my life and not see any of them and that's also okay.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm significantly enough detached from who I was during that period of time to you know, if I see, like what I was looking at by x sort of person, that by just really deeply knowing that that's not who I am and so I'm not ashamed, I'm just not that person anymore and that person had a whole lot of other stuff going on and lessons to learn, and I've learned those lessons now and that's fine. You know, I can move. I have to leave that all behind. I can't sit here and, and you know, do my head in and feel hate, self-hatred over that. You know, that's not going to make me move forward in life. I release, I've forgiven myself and I move forward from that. And that's not absolving responsibility that I, that's not. That's moving on and evolving and knowing that you're someone different and therefore you don't feel ashamed about any of it.
Speaker 1:You know, regretful maybe a little bit, but not so much, because, like my, where I'm at now, my life is, is really happy, and I had to go through that period to get to where I was, because before all of that I wasn't happy either. So you know, like I, I don't. The only thing that I regret is the people that I've hurt, you know, and I wish I could take that all back, you know, and to the best of my abilities, I have made amends where I could have, you know. So I guess how do I summarize that all for you? In like a neat and packaged little box.
Speaker 1:I guess what I would say is that back then I was very unevolved, I was superficial, I was not spiritual, I was selfish and I had no idea a lot of things, and that's what enabled me to cross the lines in the sand that normally most people cannot cross. You know, people cannot cross, you know, and when I did that and you know, just put my sexuality out there in front of everyone in a very crass and unsophisticated manner, a very lowbrow way. I was unwell, with very poor judgment, and I was at the height of a very, very bad drug addiction, you know, and I was impaired, you know, and I've come through that, being a different person spiritually. I've mended the wounds that led to me being able to live in that very superficial and and selfish manner and I can't, I don't live that way anymore, you know. I just can't be that person.
Speaker 1:I'm not and I realize now that you know, like sexuality and intimacy is something that you should really value and, um, you should reserve that for only the privileged few that you choose to let in. So when you put it out there on the internet, anyone can see you in that light then, and that's not who I choose to be as a human being. And having walked this road and done this recovery and followed a lot of the Buddhist teachings and things, that's just not who I am anymore and I'm not ashamed of it because that's not who I am. I've forgiven myself, but I would not walk over the threshold to do it again for all the reasons that I've just articulated to you, and I realize that every human being has got a different journey, and there are sex workers out there that are not drug affected and make decisions for all number of different reasons, and I respect that and I don't judge them either.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm no better, no worse than any other human being. I've just lived a different pathway, learned different lessons and have come out at a different place, you know, and I'm very lucky, incredibly lucky, to be where I am today. So, yeah, I feel actually like I've resolved a lot of yeah, questions and internal conflicts within me, having been doing that podcast. So I hope you found it interesting too and, yeah, I will. Yeah, thanks for listening. We'll meet again when I have my next podcast.