fitscapades

The Day I Stopped Wanting Drugs

• michelle • Season 1 • Episode 6

Share episode

Send us a text

What happens when the drugs you once craved become your worst nightmare? Michelle's powerful account of recovery from methamphetamine and cocaine addiction reveals the profound identity shift that true sobriety demands.

Unlike typical recovery stories focused on willpower and daily resistance, Michelle describes a spiritual transformation that changed her relationship with substances entirely. Through vivid recollections of drug-induced paranoia, near-death experiences, and the gradual realization that the highs weren't worth the devastating lows, she maps her journey to becoming someone who genuinely doesn't want to use anymore.

The turning point wasn't a program or intervention but a moment of clarity: "This only brings me misery and loss." Working with Narcotics Anonymous and developing her own spiritual practice, Michelle learned to recognize her self-centered thinking, take accountability for past behaviors, and prioritize the relationships she'd damaged. Rather than viewing herself perpetually as "an addict in recovery," she expanded into a new identity built on responsibility, trust, and presence.

Most moving is her description of ordinary moments that now bring extraordinary fulfillment—arriving on time for her son's school pickup, having normal conversations with teachers, and simply showing up as the person her family needs her to be. These small victories represent a life transformation far more satisfying than any chemical high.

Whether you're struggling with addiction or supporting someone who is, Michelle's story offers hope that recovery isn't just about fighting urges—it's about becoming someone new who walks a different path entirely. Have you experienced a similar transformation in your life? Share your journey and join our community of growth and healing.

Support the show

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Fitzcapades. My name's Michelle and I'm a recovered meth and coke addict. Today I wanted to delve into, really where I'm at today and, I guess, the secret to my sobriety or remaining clean, and explain why I don't have the urge to use drugs anymore. There's many reasons. So I'll start with last night. Like I had this dream, right, and it was a drug dream which, when I used to be using drug dreams were really good, like there'd be bags and bags of whatever falling out of the sky and you'd be like so happy and then you'd wake up and it would be all a dream and you'd be sad.

Speaker 1:

But my experiences in recovery are very different. So yeah, last night I had this dream that I don't know, somehow I had this meth pipe and I smoked this meth pipe and then I was like really not enjoying it, like my, my, like I was really, really elevated, but it wasn't in a good way and there was no, no happiness or euphoria and I was really paranoid. And then I was talking to my partner and I was thinking, oh my god, he's gonna know that I'm high and I'm and I was hating myself going. Why the fuck did you do this? You know, I just want this to end you. And it was hating myself going. Why the fuck did you do this? You know, I just want this to end. And it was just awful emotions in my dream and I woke up so the main emotions were paranoia and just utter self-disappointment and I wasn't having a good time.

Speaker 1:

And I have these dreams, I guess reasonably frequently, and I guess they sort of reflect exactly where I'm at. I guess dreams are very telling in many ways, aren't they, that I am completely without any edge. In fact, I would even go to say it would be my worst nightmare now to have any sort of illegal drug. You know, I really mean that, and there's several reasons for that this. I guess it came over me in stages. The first and I know that in NA they say that all drugs are the same, but that's kind of not the case for me.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, like with coke, I was over that well before I was over meth, like to the point where I just well, the start of not really being interested in it was the fact that every time, so the only way that I could ever take cocaine was intravenously. That's the first thing. If I snorted it, because my sinuses are so trashed it just wouldn't do anything. And so when you do coke intravenously, particularly if the street quality fluctuates quite a bit, if you suddenly get a really good batch, you can actually kill yourself, which I almost did a couple of times.

Speaker 1:

I had a couple of nasty incidences where I went into tonic-clonic seizure and it was really frightening, but yes, um, yeah and uh, I, yeah, seized for good I don't know how many minutes thinking I was going to die, you know, and then came out of it, but that wasn't enough to deter me. Funnily enough, it scared me, but it wasn't enough to deter me. The thing that really, I think, ended it for me was that that as well, you know that was a factor. But also, like, like, so, with coke, you, where you inject, you get this insane euphoria and you then, uh, you go deaf. And then, very quickly though, you come down and and you need more and um the process of coming down, you become insanely paranoid, right, and you start to sort of you can hear voices, like, like, if you're sitting inside, it's like you can hear these far off voices and it's like the cops or something are like at your door and you can hear them and they're just planning for the right time to bust in and get you. And you know you, you get this pervasive feeling that you're just being watched, like it's's this insane, insane paranoia, and I even started to visually hallucinate people there and stuff like that. And it got to the point where I was like, okay, you know, like they're going to come and bust you as soon as you get the drugs out, right, and so I was that paranoid.

Speaker 1:

I used to carry my supply around, yeah, anyway, somewhere on my body where, if, if I was searched, no one would be able to find it, and then I would get it out and I'd literally go under the bed right, thinking there couldn't be any cameras under here, and then I would like inject under the bed, like and, and I suddenly dawn on me like this is fucking not fun anymore. I'm just spending all my time just paranoid, like you know, convinced that there's going to be some drug busted and and I almost kill myself too a few times and I'm like, seriously, what is the fucking point of this drug? You know, like literally, um, and I that was it for me with coke I was like no more and I was even so not interested in it. That, like you know, I met an old mate in Orange and he offered me like two bags of free coke and without even thinking I just went, no. And he looked at me and he goes, like are you for real, knowing what a coke fiend I had been? And I said yeah, I'm for real. Like I'm not interested in it, like please, like I never. I'd be happy if I never saw a bag of that shit ever again, you know, um, and so there was that with coke. I was done with meth. It took a bit longer, but eventually that day came too.

Speaker 1:

So, like I was living with this dude and he was fly in, fly out, and you know he used to want to have like like party nights kind of thing. Um, when he got back from being away for two weeks, and so he would, we would smoke meth together and take g and have like these like sexy nights sort of thing, and like to start off with uh. It seemed to bring us like closer together, it seemed to be good for our relationship, we sort of thing. And like to start off with uh, it seemed to bring us like closer together, seemed to be good for our relationship. We sort of connected over this. We spent like taught two days talking it was like a whole journey sort of thing and then later on the in the relationship what would happen would be like the first 12 hours would be really good and then it turned to shit.

Speaker 1:

So like he would like lose interest, he'd get bored of me, I think and then and he would start to like look at other chicks on the internet or porn or contact hookers and stuff and and like still wank and things, and I would be like I'm over this. Now, like you know, this is I'm having it. I'm still awake. I never felt any euphoria from this. Um, what do I do now? You know, like I've got like we're in a flat, you're in the main living area wanking, like looking at other chicks, and I just want to get on with my life and I can't sleep and I'm not having fun, and and then, of course, end up in arguments and stuff because I'd be like you know what the fuck and anyway. Um, so then, as it transpired, I started to not really want to do these nights, you know, because I'm like. You know, like they'll always turns into like unhappiness and I don't see the point in this. And anyway, even when I spoke it. I'm not feeling that good, I'm just awake.

Speaker 1:

And then, as he, he started to like to want to take it more and I could see the effect that it was having on him and I was like I looked at the bag of crystal one day and I just went. You know what? I'm fucking done with this. Like this only brings me misery and loss and it ruins my life. You know, it doesn't do anything good for me. I'm done with it. You know, and I really had this strong, resolute feeling that I was really done, you know, and it almost sort of happened overnight, like just happened really quickly, and, if anything, I was just greatly relieved and I still am relieved that this has happened to me. It's almost like divine intervention. Overnight I was like this is shit. Why am I doing? Doing this, you know?

Speaker 1:

Um, and let me tell you if, if, if recovery was all about day in, day out, having to battle the urge to use, then I would lose that fight. I really would. It's kind of why, when people say, oh, you know, well done on your recovery and staying clean, I kind of think I don't feel like it's such a massive achievement, in a way, because it's not a daily battle. I just to not use, it's just I don't want to, and it's not really who I am now. You know it's common for addicts to, when they're using, to get to the point that I was like to realize that you know they're not having fun when they're using, but there's there's this compulsion to keep using regardless of that, because you just can't stop. And that much is true. I went through that sort of stage too. Uh, so you know it's not just a sort of the logical decision that you make, because if it was that easy, then you know it'd be easy to, it wouldn't be a problem with addiction, you know. But um, but I think fundamentally for me the magic just seemed to happen.

Speaker 1:

Like I did a lot of work with NA. So my individual story with NA, because I haven't actually worked formally the 12 steps with a sponsor, and I'll go into the reasons behind that in a minute. But I kind of did a lot of work on my own as well and, yeah, I guess I did the spiritual work that was required to essentially become a different person, and I really am. I feel different, I think differently, my priorities are different today and I look back on who I was before and yeah, I'm sometimes shell-shocked by what a dreadful person I was. So, yeah, like I was pretty much forced to go to NA and so did, and yeah, like I'm not an anti-NA at all Like there were some fucking amazing people there, really amazing people, and I was living in a small town, isolated, I didn't have a driver's license so I couldn't get to a lot of the other regional meetings and you know, like online meetings, I tried to do them but they just weren't the same as being in person.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, I didn't do that a lot, I did a few, but anyway, um, so in this small, isolated town, in the na group, there was a different admixture of people. There were some people who had been in recovery for like decades and were fucking amazing people, but then there were other people that had also been in recovery for a long time and they were, shall I say, less than amazing, like just very judgmental and like boasting about their recovery and things like that. And yeah, I just didn't feel comfortable with that energy. There was a couple of a lot of people who were struggling every day not to use with that urge. They were just and they'd really just gone about how bad their life was without drugs too, and but there was two really fucking amazing people well into into their recovery that you know, when you met them they were like there was this just fucking amazing aura around them, that they were just very, very special people.

Speaker 1:

Um, and I started like my journey with uh. There was a lady who was also like a worker and I used to meet with her regularly and she kind of was my sponsor, I guess in a way I would say, um, because if, like, she was like really fucking amazing at calling me on my bullshit, so we did start to work the steps and things, um, and looking back at all of my past sort of uh behaviors and issues, and you know so, what it's all about is like looking back at all of my past sort of behaviors and issues, and you know so what it's all about is like looking back over your life when you're an addict and like, so bad shit happens. And when you're an addict, you blame everyone else and you carry this resentment around like you know, oh, they didn't help me enough or they weren't empathetic enough, and the process goes. Then you go through talking about it with your sponsor and they go well, like, hang on you know what you were being an arsehole here, so you have to own that. And yeah, this woman, like I could still hear her voice in my head sometimes, like calling me on my bullshit, and I actually started to like to be called on my bullshit. You know, some people don't handle it. But I was like, okay, like this is really interesting. You know, I started to do shadow work and, rather than hurt my pride, you know, I accepted, like you know, I'd been an arsehole and had a problem and I was like, okay, like the process of going through and doing the inventory and owning stuff, I don't know it became less painful and just okay, you know, interesting even, you know.

Speaker 1:

And so I started that process with her and like with the relationship that I was having at that time. There was a few struggles and things and, um, and I was reading a lot of the nna literature like there's a really beautiful book called living clean and what it goes through is like when you go, when you start your recovery, like basically you have to learn to live a different way, because when you're like a practicing addict, like you're really selfish and your perception of the world and relationships is really fucking warped. And it's all about you and you, you know, make these calls. You think that people are reacting in a certain way or upset because of you. It's all about you. And, um, yeah, you have to learn to become less self-centric. And and you have to learn to become less self-centric and you have to learn that you know your perceptions of things are not always accurate.

Speaker 1:

And actually, thinking back, you know, it was actually really fortunate that I was in the relationship that I was in at the time. So the dynamics of that were that I he was a fairly narcissistic character who would do that whole like love, bombing right, like he would be the best thing in the world and then all of a sudden, overnight, he would do like discredit and discard and he would be the biggest piece of shit ever and, you know, like become quite abusive actually. But I didn't want to admit that. That was what was happening at the time. You know, I framed it in the way that he was a more avoidant, afraid, avoidant attachment style and I was more like anxious, avoidant style, but really, at the end of the day, he was just narcissistic. Anyway, I was addicted to him and I would go to the ends of the earth to be good enough for him and like, yeah, so when he would go through these sort of discard sort of periods, I would be beside.

Speaker 1:

I was chasing him being like an anxiously attached person in that relationship, by the way, not more later on and I would chase and chase him and he would stonewall me and just shut down all communication. And then I would engage in this crazy protest behavior of like incessantly texting, like just needing to hear back from him, and then just getting crazier and crazier and at the end of each episode I would realize, oh my God, I've been like crazy, like I never want to be like that again. What is going on? How do I fix this? You know, how do I fix this? You know, how do I fix this? I hate this. This is the worst behavior ever.

Speaker 1:

So I guess through that lens I realized, okay, that this is my addict brain. I'm trying to control someone. I'm trying to, you know, make him love me and you can't. And so one of the teachings in NA is like you can't control other people, places or things. You can only control yourself. You have to do the work to control your own behavior and your own emotions, and so that relationship and sort of trying to keep that on an even keel became like the template for me doing the work to learning how to be a different person in recovery. Because you don't I think a lot of people don't realize that there's all this other sort of personal self-development stuff that you have to do that really probably every person would benefit from. But it's yeah. When you're in recovery, yeah, you realize how self-centered and things you are and that you know. Know I guess acting out on your emotions, uh, is not your right. You know you have to reel it in. So, anyway, where am I getting at? So?

Speaker 1:

So I was going through this relationship. I was seeing my um, well, shall we say, sponsor and you know I realized that firstly, like I never wanted to be this crazy woman again, so, like my partner at the time, he would shut down, he would turn his phone off and he would be mid-argument and he would just hang up on me and then he would block me and he wouldn't respond to any messages. And of course, for me I wanted things to be resolved, I wanted things to be okay. So I wanted to keep texting him to try and resolve it and he would be away at work and I would be able to contact him and and I'd be in this quandary going well, I want to fix it, I want everything to be all right. You know, like I, I want him to love me, sort of thing, um, and so that's when I would.

Speaker 1:

When that was happening, instead of going all crazy, what I would do is I would contact my, shall we say, sponsor and she would call me and she'd go. Listen, he needs alone time. You have to give him this space. Stop being so annoying. You know, um, you can't change this situation. You have to accept what you can't change and calm yourself down and stop riling yourself up. You know, go and do something else. You know, put your phone away and go and for a walk on the beach or something like that. You know it's up to your higher power now how this all unfolds. You know you have to leave alone. So, like, I did a lot of work like that with her and, again, a lot of steps.

Speaker 1:

So like, yeah, looking back at my life and events and things and how I was accountable for things and how I wasn't just this victim, you know, because victims like never get clean. That's what they say. So in the background, I was becoming this different person. You know, I was doing all this work. The I guess the main precipitant for all of that was this abusive relationship that I was in, that I was so desperate, I loved this guy, I was addicted to this guy. I loved him. You know, like when someone love bombs, you you're like the best person in the world and you just, when they discard you, you just it hurts so much and you just crave for that to be back and you keep coming back and back and back. So, yeah, so anyway, um, yeah. So I was doing all this work, becoming a different person. And then, uh, he started to get more addicted to drugs and wanted to use more and I was like, well, this is shit, and the only time that he really wants to be close to me is when he's cooked anyway, and that's now only brief and fleeting and I'm done with this. I'm a different person.

Speaker 1:

And in the background, too, like what had happened was that like he was starting to gaslight me and my family and like he was getting paranoid and thought that I was using when he was away, which I wasn't, but I was suffering with ADHD symptoms badly. And then he started to lay the groundwork to telling my family that I was off the rails again, like to try and discredit me and like, but my dad, he could tell when I was talking on the phone to him that I was straight. And then I just came clean with him. I said, look, you know, this is a deal Like this dude is. He's telling you that he's clean, but he's using more and more drugs and and things like that. And and my family, they stuck by me and I really needed them through that really difficult time and we eventually broke up, you know.

Speaker 1:

And so, um, after I left him, a few things happened. Drugs were no longer in my orbit and I didn't want them in my orbit. I I also formed a really solid, beautiful relationship with another man and I made and, and the basis of that was, um, you know, like truth. I was completely truthful with him. I laid out in a text everything from when I'd last used, from when I had last injected, every single thing, every bad thing I'd ever done like in my life. I wrote it in the text and I said now you have to decide if you want to be with me or not.

Speaker 1:

And he was like, like, of course, you know, and so there's a tremendous amount of trust that he had put in me and I was like, yeah, to this day now I'm like I couldn't think of anything worse than, like you know, breaking that trust and using and then being like just discovered it would destroy me, like it would literally destroy me. I can't be that person anymore, you know. And it's like now, every day, like I talk to my parents and stuff like that, and I keep showing up day in, day out, just uh, um, just clean and well, and I, that's who I am now, and I and I can't, I can't break, I can't live any other way. I guess it's hard to articulate, but it really is a spiritual journey, you know and so and like, but you get pride from that, you feel good in yourself and you can't be any other way. Like it's like because I've become a different person. Now there's lines that I just can't cross over, like if I'm having a bad day or whatever, when I was using it, it used to be well, fuck it, I don't care about anything or anyone, I'm having a bad day, I'm just going to use, whereas now, like I don't go fuck it, because everyone matters. You know I can't cross those lines because I've lived like with no one in the world, having no one in the world, and I felt that pain. And you know I've worked hard to gain back trusts again. And to me now these relationships are like so, so valuable to me that I prioritise them above anything else. You know, like it's like my son I've just gotten his custody of him back.

Speaker 1:

And you know, when I walked through the school gates to meet the teachers, I literally got post-traumatic stress. You know, because basically the last time I'd walked through those gates, through school gates, one of the last times was I was cooked and high as a kite and I went to pick my son up and then I ended up in the office and the teachers and the principal were trying to work out if I was actually safe to take my own son home and and it was fucked. It was just the worst moment of my life, one of the worst, and I just that all came flooding back to me and I even got like super paranoid because paranoid, because I was like surely they've Googled my name and seen the stuff that's there and you know like here she is all of a sudden got custody back of her son. What the hell is going on? He's starting school midterm. There must be something horrible and sus going on.

Speaker 1:

I just had all this paranoia and like, literally for the following two days, I was waiting for like docs to just turn up in a, you know, in a unmarked SUV and want to see what I was up to you know like, and I had nothing to hide, you know, but it was just that it was just bad, bad stuff up. So now, you know, one of the things is like I turn up and every day I'm on time, you know, and I have chats with the teachers, that I, you know, I'm just a fucking normal person and like that might not sound much to anyone, but for me, I have a great sense of fulfillment in just being fucking normal and like responsible. And yeah, I just couldn't fly doing it any other way. Now, like it's harder to explain. So there's all these lines in the sand now that I can't step over because I am someone different, you know, and I'm so gratefully relieved about that. I really am.

Speaker 1:

You know, like I get contacted by people, you know, from time to time on Instagram going okay, well, you know I'm really struggling. You know I'm trying to give up. I keep failing. You know I'm working out, I'm trying to keep my mind occupied or whatever, and I'm like have you done any group work? Or, you know, have you gone to NA? No, no, you know, sometimes that's a dirty word, people don't want to do that. So, you know, because it's a bit taboo, I guess a lot of people. I was a bit scared to go to NA to start off with, you know, and I thought I was forced. So I went and you know I said, well, that's why you're struggling, because you haven't done the work, you know. And I don't want to say go to NA, but I sort of do want to say that. But that's what these people need to do, is take a spiritual journey.

Speaker 1:

So for me, yeah, my sort of journey with NIA was that I started out and then my sponsor had to leave town all of a sudden. She had some major catastrophic event in her personal life which meant she had to abruptly shift overnight and then I kind of didn't have anyone. So when you go to NIA and you're looking for a sponsor or whatever, it's kind of like being a geeky teenager at a dance, or at least for me it was. You know, I just, oh, will you be my sponsor? Because she was the only one I sort of gelled with.

Speaker 1:

You know, like there was a couple of really fucking amazing, as I said, long-term you, you know, recovered people, but they didn't come to meetings very often and you know, probably because they were re-established in their recovery and I don't know I'm a bit shy to uh, you know, and I just didn't feel comfortable sort of thing, reaching out and asking and yeah, then they said, well, go to Lismore, there's like more, you know, like lots of wonderful women there, but I just didn't have a transport, I didn't have a license for a bit and anyway, by the time my relationship ended and all that shit went down and I met my new partner, I felt really safe and steadfast in my recovery and it was almost like because I like I did so much reading about everything about how to become a better person, you know, about how not to react to my partner, so I had to be perfect for him and things and and I felt like I was just at a different spot, that I was felt safe. You know, like I'm like I'm not going to use. I know that I had plenty of opportunity to and it just didn't even cross my mind Because I was pretty raw and fragile after all the trauma of a narcissistic breakup. When I moved up to where I am now and started my new life, I had this idea that I was going to do this whole eat, pray, love, immerse myself in NA and solidly work the 12 steps with a sponsor because I really felt that that's what I needed to do. But as I recovered from my breakup and started to become my own person and got treatment for my ADHD that was also another big thing. I just kept on meaning to go to a meeting but other shit would come up and stuff and I was like you know what? I don't really think I need to do this and more to the point to my day-to-day life because I am recovering and becoming myself again from being this person with clipped wings in quite low money, in a sort of emotional jail in this narcissistic relationship. And now I was free. I was starting to do stuff like construct fitness and meet friends and my identity wasn't so much chained to being an addict in recovery anymore, nor did I want it to be 100% all about that. You know I had to move on and become something else other than an addict, in recovery, if you will, and so, even more so, going to NA just didn't seem to be what I needed to do at that point. So it was sort of like I had half worked the steps with a sponsor and then did a lot of the other work on my own.

Speaker 1:

You know, like I read a lot of the literature, I watched a lot of content on YouTube. Like I read a lot of Buddhism and stuff, because for a while they really stumbled over the surrendering to God and having the high power and stuff like that. I really I struggled with that, coming from a quite strongly atheist, staunchly atheist background, you know the whole. So I pondered that for a lot and found comfort in, actually, the Buddhist teachings, because Buddhism isn't about a god, it's about energy which resonates and makes most sense to me. And even still now, today, I find comfort in a lot of the Buddhist stuff. Like the only thing that fucking scares me to buggery is like the reincarnation shit, man. Like I don't want to have to be born again and go through like early life oh my goodness, but anyway. So yeah, like I guess it's.

Speaker 1:

I mean, you know, you can't just set out to do your spiritual journey and like it's not like setting out to do your washing or, you know, drive to Bundaberg or something. You know, like you just, I think, think, have to be wanting to change and look and do the research, reading, and it just sort of evolves over time. It evolved over time. I just became this different person and it's like, if I look back now, you know, that relationship happened for a reason and I'm thankful for that. You know, that was a real uh, precipitant for me to change as well. And um, you know, um, yeah, like, I guess everyone's pathway is going to be different, you know, but the point is is that there's a lot more to recovery than just not using, you know, and, yeah, um, once you get to the spot that I'm in, it's beautiful, you know.

Speaker 1:

You know I get lots of, like, desperate addicts. There's a plane going overhead. I hope that's not too annoying. I get lots of addicts, like, yeah, contacting me, going. You know, like, well, what's the secret? What do you advise? How do you get to your point? Like that's, I can't give you a, his step, a, his step b answer. You know everyone's different, but it just believing that it's possible is is the first step. But you know, really and honestly, I you can't, people can't. You know that you can't do it alone. Like it's not as simple as as as living like buddha and training and just not using and having willpower. It's not as simple as living like Buddha and training and just not using and having willpower. It's not like that. You will fail if you don't get help, but the right help too.

Speaker 1:

You know, like many years ago for ARPRA, I had to go to a drug and alcohol, you know counsellor. So I got busted for drugs basically, and had my registration held for a while and I wanted to get back into work. So I jumped the hoops. I went to see the drug and alcohol head shrinker and it was the most biggest waste of time ever because literally the therapy consisted of don't do drugs, they're bad. You know they're illegal, you know criminals only profit off it. It's morally and ethically wrong. And I would nod my head and say the right things and say yes, yes, walk out of there and go. I can't live like this. I fucking hate being clean. You know I want drugs back again and for three years I did that and you know what? The day after that time lapsed, I went straight back to using again.

Speaker 1:

You know it was the most unaffected bullshit treatment ever. You know, completely ineffective. Why? Because these psychiatrists they're not addicts, they don't understand and they haven't been inside of my head, but other addicts have they. You know, a lot of us experience exactly the same things in our story, exactly the same ways of thinking. So that's where I think the NA is true. You know, like, a lot of things about personal flaws and stuff like that is very, very true and that's why NA is so successful because you there's, it is true. There is no one else that can help you other than other addicts in suffering who fucking get it. Because you need to be called on your bullshit and the only person that can call the bullshit is someone who's been in your shoes and knows how you're thinking at that time. You know it is very true. So, yeah, if anyone's asking for advice, it's like, well, you know, yeah, look, you need help, you need help from other addicts. I know NIA is a bit controversial, but listen, that's where the biggest group of druggies are hanging out and want to help.

Speaker 1:

So you know, start there, yeah, and then choose your own adventure, you know, would be the thing, and it depends on what everyone's individual intellects, abilities and, you know, interest in persisting are. You know what your life situation is, how much you've lost, how much you want to gain, like I don't think I've got the answer for everyone, because everyone's so different yet we are very similar, in different ways too. But you know, like, all I know is that's what, that was my journey and that's how it panned out and that's how it worked. And you know, look, maybe it was some higher power or whatever, buddha or energy. That's like, okay, this, you know, yeah, this is what needs to happen with Michelle. You know, like, maybe there was divine intervention, who the fuck knows, I don't know Like, but somehow, you know, on some fine day, two years after, I found myself standing at the other end, having gone over the bridge, gone through hell, lived in purgatory, lived in poverty, you know, like felt like the biggest shit stain on the face of the earth, you know, and I came through that, looked back and went fuck.

Speaker 1:

You know, look at my life now, like it's fucking amazing. I'm really very lucky. And the other thing that I'll say is, yeah, karma and the universe. You know, if you start to be honest and good person, with, uh, you know, living true to the good human qualities, then it seems that the universe presents you with nothing but roses. That's been my experience. Um, I mean shit like even, you know, doing my taxes. You know, for years and years and years. For 15 years I never did. I held off or at least wake up in a cold sweat, certain that I would like I would owe a whole lot of money, you know, and then in recovery I did them and bam, the money just kept rolling and rolling in from these tax returns. You know, like unexpected shit like that, like getting custody of my son back, you know, just, yeah, like good things happening all the time, like I'm just on this amazing journey now, which is, you know, I don't want to live any other way. So that's where I'm at today.

Speaker 1:

Um, I guess the other thing too is, you know, because people like, will you always be an addict and so you shouldn't not identify like that? Because when you get cocky and you think you're cured, you know, um, that's when a relapse will happen. And I mean that that was hammered into me, um, and hammered into me to the point that when my drug and alcohol counselor said to me look, you know you're not going to relapse, so go away, I've got other, sicker people to see, basically, and I was fucking I was shocked at that. I was like, no, don't say that, because you know, when I say that I'm not an addict, you know what I mean. Like I was almost like hanging on to this identity of being an addict, you know. So that I didn't relapse, like it's kind of crazy. And she's like you're not going to relapse, you need to move on. And so, yeah, like, which flies in the face of anything that I was told. Let's think.

Speaker 1:

What the thing is is that, in terms of relapse because I realize relapse does happen, but sitting here today I can almost 100% guarantee to you that I'm not going to turn to picking up drugs again I know that in my heart and it's just who I am Now who's to say some disaster might happen and that might be different. My resolve might change. And in Buddhism they say your sense of identity is not static, it changes over time and you have free will. So how you respond to certain challenges also will determine your outcome and your karmic ties and things. So I guess I can't be confident that who I am today will be the same as if circumstances drastically change.

Speaker 1:

So I've put in place certain safeguards so that it's not easy for me to go back, you know, like getting rid of numbers in phones, you know, and other barriers, so that you know if I one day went oh fuck it, I can't you know what I mean Like it's going to be really hard for me to go against that. So, yeah, that's an important thing to do as well is to plan for the future and stuff. So yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say today. I hope that that helps some people or sheds some light on the mysteries of how an addict thinks in recovery. Be kind to one another. Thanks for listening. I will talk at you next time.