fitscapades

Spiritual Awakening in Recovery

• michelle • Season 1 • Episode 2

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What does it really mean when recovery programs describe addiction as a "spiritual malady"? In this deeply personal episode, I share my journey from nihilistic atheism to spiritual awakening—a transformation that ultimately saved my life.

As a teenager, I rejected religion as fairy tales and embraced the belief that humans were merely a "happy accident of chaos." This worldview conveniently supported my addiction, allowing me to justify selfish behaviors and remain oblivious to how I hurt those around me. I believed love was my right, not something I needed to earn through honesty and respect.

The turning point came after everyone had walked away. Sitting alone in a hotel room, using intravenously and headed toward death, I finally felt the full weight of my isolation. It was only through what I now recognize as spiritual interventions—inexplicable moments where I made choices completely contrary to my conscious intentions—that I began moving toward recovery.

Buddhism offered me a spiritual framework that made sense when Christianity couldn't. I connected with concepts of energy, karma, and the understanding that true happiness comes through selflessness rather than chasing desires. Today, my spirituality manifests as an internal compass that creates physical discomfort when I'm about to make a selfish choice.

The most remarkable evidence of my transformation is that I've completely lost the desire to use drugs. My recovery isn't maintained through constant struggle against cravings but through becoming someone different—someone who values authentic connection above temporary escape. I now find profound joy in acts of kindness toward others rather than in substances.

If you're struggling with addiction or supporting someone who is, I hope my story offers a different perspective on recovery. The journey isn't just about stopping a behavior—it's about spiritual awakening that changes who you are at your core. Subscribe to hear more stories and insights from my ongoing recovery journey.

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Speaker 1:

So welcome back to Fitzcapades. My name's Michelle and I'm a recovered addict. And yeah, I wanted to do an episode on spirituality and recovery because I do believe that the disease of addiction is a spiritual disease. A spiritual melody is what they say in the rooms, and I just thought I'd start by talking about what my spiritual journey was throughout recovery and then finally, hopefully, try to articulate what my concept of spirituality is.

Speaker 1:

So, I mean, the actual definition of spirituality is a really difficult one to give. You know, it's hard to define what spirituality is. My definition, or what rings true to me, is who you are, at your core being and the ability to show up as that person, because we all have two people that the person we actually show up as, uh, because you know selfishness gets in the way of execute, or being a good person. You know everyone, I think, in this world gets up and wants to be a good person, but it's as I tell my son all the time it's just hard, it's really hard work to be a good person because you often have, you know, you have to sacrifice and do things for others and, yeah, so spirituality is being that person. It's your connectedness to other souls or other people on this and animals I guess on this planet I've had spiritual moments with animals and then, of course, your relationship to the higher power, or God, or Buddha, or whatever it is to you Now, to me. I don't follow any religious denomination, but the religion that rings the truest to me is Buddhism, and I can explain that a bit as we go along, but yeah, that's just giving you some context.

Speaker 1:

So I grew up going to an Anglican school and pretty much it was just you know, I was taught Christianity and that was just you know. I assumed that to be the truth because that's all I was taught Until about the age of 14 or 15, when I really started to think, some bad shit sort of started to happen in my life and I started to question things and I was like you know what? Yeah, I don't know some of this stuff that's in the Bible. It sounds like fairy tales, you know, and they're telling me that's true, but I really can't believe it. You know, the whole Jesus dying and coming back to life. I'm like I'm sure there was a dude called Jesus, but I'm sure he didn't really come back to life. It just seems like fairy tales and things.

Speaker 1:

And then I started to think broader and I was like, well, you know, why has there got to be a God? Like what makes human beings so special? That you know, this god that you know sits up above and watches over us and, you know, guides us, or you know, you know, like, um, yeah, has influence over our life, or whatever. You know, um, that that's just so stupid. Like doesn't it make more sense that we're just a happy accident of chaos, a big bang, and then? And then boom, by some sheer coincidence, you know, human beings came into being and that's it, you know, there doesn't need to be a meaning or purpose, it just is, you know.

Speaker 1:

And I became pretty nihilistic, in a way, and just staunchly atheist and I really believed, you know, if you can't prove it with science or it's not tangible, then it just doesn't fucking exist, you know. And that was that. And I became very literal and I was like, well, you know, if God was real, surely he'd show himself, you know, to us. And I became really closed-minded and, along with that too, like I'm not a stupid person, I have intelligence. But I became really closed-minded and like believed too much in my intelligence, you know, and like if something made sense to me, then that was the truth. You know, don't question it sort of thing. Whereas in recovery I've learned now that, actually, even if things seem to make sense, even if you seem to have gathered all this evidence for something that you believe in to be true, in actual fact what your brain does is that it's pretty good at biasing you and it's pretty good at grabbing onto bits of information that support your theory, uh, as being true and rejecting things that are not in support of it. And so human beings have this sort of yeah, this bias, um, and that you should question yourself.

Speaker 1:

But you know, early on in my life I just had no concept of of that um being a thing. So there I was very close-minded, convinced, I had the answer. You know, when you die, you die and it just lights out. There's no spiritual world beyond that, there's no higher power and that's it. And I had a very literal outlook on the world and I had absolutely no concept of how my actions affected others and and those I loved. You know it.

Speaker 1:

Just, it wasn't that I didn't care, I was just completely oblivious. It's like, you know, if I want to use drugs or whatever, then you know that's only hurting me, it's not hurting anyone else, like I just didn't make sense that that should hurt anyone. I was like why can't everyone just be okay with it? You know, like it's not hurting them, it's just me, you know, and I'm okay. So you know, nothing bad's going to happen, sort of thing, and um, and yeah, I was just oblivious to it all. And then, if I wanted to do so, then I realized that you know, sort of taking drugs wasn't really acceptable. People didn't approve. So then I learned how to closet it and hide it and lie, you know, and I'd make up all these bullshit reasons to myself as to why it was okay to do shitty things, like lie and you know, not tell the truth and hide things and um and stuff, why that was okay and I'd just go ahead and do it anyway, even though it was hurting other people and I guess.

Speaker 1:

So when you take that very literal, uh, view of the world, um, then it's easy to yeah, not comprehend, yeah, how your actions affect others and things, and just to do things that really I couldn't do today, for instance, becoming a prostitute, I couldn't do that. But back then it was like, well, yeah, well, that makes sense. I can get shitloads of money for just doing a thing that's really a bodily function, like eating or sleeping or shitting, uh, and I get heaps of money, you know. And then I can get heaps of drugs too, you know, and and to me that just made perfect sense, whereas now there's so much more to it, you know, and I guess I think I'll have to do another episode on um, my views now and all of that as opposed to back then. But that's going off on a tangent, the.

Speaker 1:

The other thing about how I was is that like it wasn't only until really recently that the actual concept of, uh, emotional regulation actually uh, was a thing, like it was a new concept for me. Um, I lived my life just thinking, you know, being a fairly emotional being, and just thinking, well, I'm angry. It's my right to just live out according to my emotions, to have the temper tantrum or to dissolve into that massive hysterical like pool of tears. You know, it's not that I didn't want to rein it in, but I just I didn't know how and I didn't know you could. You know, I just thought every human, they just act throughout their emotions and you know, it doesn't matter how it affects other people, they just have to deal with it because you know that person loves me, so they have to deal with it.

Speaker 1:

Or you know they have to be there they can't leave me, or they can't abandon me when I'm like this. You know, yeah, it's that. You know that's my right, yeah, it's that, you know that's my right. I just have no concept that, yeah, you should, you should actually regulate your emotions, and it's actually not really healthy to live out the full, to the full extent of your emotions without reeling them in and that, yeah, people don't have to put up with that. You know, it's just simply not cool, um.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, I was emotional, just living by my emotions and then just thinking, well, you know, those people love me, they have to stay with me, they can't abandon me when I'm like this. You know, um, they have to care for me how, you know, whatever you know, and I just believe that it was my right to be, to get my needs met from the people that I loved, um, uh, when, um, and that that it wasn't. You know that that there would never be a point when, um, you know I could hurt them, uh, to the point that they left me that, that that just wasn't fair and it wasn't cool. So I believed it was my right to have these relationships and had to have these people around me because they love me. That love wasn't a right, it was a privilege, you know. I believed love was a right, you know.

Speaker 1:

And so there I was, you know, like putting my addiction first, doing really shitty things and having layers and layers of bullshit as to why it was okay for me to be doing what I was doing and really solidly believing in it too, not ever considering how my actions affected others, but just expecting those people that were dear to me to put up with everything and just stay by me. You know, and I mean especially mum and dad, isn't it? That should be unconditional. But I spiralled so far out of control that it got to the point that everyone, they, nothing they could do would help me. And and they got sick of watching me descend into like death, basically like my, my, the father of my child, like he had to leave me, he had to take our child to safety. You know, I understand that now, but at that time it was like I had a great sense of betrayal and abandonment, you know.

Speaker 1:

And eventually I found myself sitting in a hotel room lonely and realizing that I just had no one. You know, no one gave a shit about me. I couldn't figure out really why, but I was all alone and it was a really really dark place to be, a horrible and miserable place to be, and really I'd ended up there because I'd just not even respected these relationships, you know. And uh, just done whatever the fuck I wanted and people just got sick of it and no one has to put up with that. You know, that's a simple fact that we all have to acknowledge that. You know, when you're yeah, when you're not honoring relationships, people walk away. You know that, because they get hurt.

Speaker 1:

And so there I was, this staunch atheist woman without any concept of what spirituality was, staunchly atheist and not sure of why. Everyone had enough of me, and taking drugs intravenously headed towards death. So I guess what turned me? What? What happened? You know where, where did my spirituality open up? So a few, several things happened.

Speaker 1:

So there are defined moment, definite points in my life where I've been at a juncture of making a decision and in my head I've, I've had and intended to do exactly what Michelle would do. You know, these are the actions that I'm going to take. I'm going to do them and then, several moments later, for no explainable reason, I found myself doing the exact opposite thing. Right, and I can't explain it, but it's almost like I feel like there's a switch that is thrown in my head. And those points, those decision points, have often been really, really pertinent points that have led to a real change in direction in my life, and I can give you a few of those times. The first one was when I was about 16 and I was suffering with anorexia and it was a point at which I decided to eat like I didn't want to eat. But then a switch was thrown and I started to eat, and if not for that, I would be dead or would have been institutionalized. I certainly wouldn't have gone on to university.

Speaker 1:

The second one that, yeah, was when I made the decision to leave Bathurst and go to Yamba to meet my ex, who saved my life. So that was the second point in time, because he contacted me and I had every intention of saying, no, come on, I'm not going all that way. And I found myself making the decision to go or not making the decision. I found myself saying, yes, I'm going, and that was very much not what was in keeping with the internal dialogue in my head. And the third time was when I gave my now partner my phone number, because I wasn't going to do that, but I found myself doing that as well. So there's three, and there are three points that led to definite changes in pathways for me towards a better way.

Speaker 1:

And so I started to open my mind and and I was like, well, maybe I don't have this all figured out. I've been so certain that I've been right all this time, but now I'm discovering in recovery that you know, like there's been all these layers of bullshit in my head, that my perspective has not been. This has been far from true. You know, I've been this awful person and you know maybe I need to open my mind up that there is something out there, you know, but I can't subscribe to Christianity because of the fairy tale aspect of it all. You know, um, and then. So then, um, then then I started to read the AA and NA literature and they talk about the disease of addiction being a spiritual disease and that the symptoms of that are that you feel just uneasy with who you are and uncomfortable in your own skin and restless and irritable, and I'm like, yeah, like that's me, you know. I mean when I don't have a supply of drugs, definitely that is how I am and that's why I use them is to get out of that state, you know.

Speaker 1:

And so there started to be all these signposts that started to come up with regards to spirituality and I sort of there go okay, I get this now and then. And then the instructors were we'll just go on a spiritual journey and you'll get. You'll get well, like well again, I looked at really literally, how does one embark on a spiritual journey and actually googled it and stuff. But I think the simple fact is, is that a spiritual journey you can't intend to head out on? It just sort of happens as you keep going along, if you're doing the right thing or whatever, enlightenment comes. But you know, it's just so telling of how immature I was even then.

Speaker 1:

Um, yeah, and so along along the way, yeah, I've had certain enlightenments and things like that, um, but pretty much, um, I started to work the steps in earnest, like really like sort of try and work the 12 steps with NA, because you know from what everyone was saying, if you. It's a it's, it changes your life, you know it's. It's a beautiful process and most people who have done it say like everyone should do it, not even just addicts, you know. So I was really keen to have this sort of enlightenment and experience, but I really fucking struggled at the steps like number one and two, three, about surrendering to God and stuff. You know what I mean, because really pretty much what it says is that you admit you've got an unmanageable problem yeah, well, that wasn't hard. But then that you surrender your will to your higher power, who's the only one that can heal you. And I was like, yeah, but see, that's really easily more easily said than done because I've still got free will easily more easily said than done because I've still got free will and no one can deny that. And you know I can still text my dealer and go down and score. So how does this help me? You know this, this really doesn't help me. Like I, what I really need is to not use fucking drugs, you know, um, and so I guess. So I and I. So I struggled.

Speaker 1:

Being a deeply atheist, a very scientific person, I'm like, okay, now I've got to really question this. And you know, what form does this higher power take? What best makes sense to me, you know, and so for me, yeah, I really thought about it long and hard and I came across like, um, a lot of buddhist stuff and and I went, okay, yeah, I can subscribe to that, because I guess the thing that's nice about buddhism, they don't necessarily talk about a higher power, but energies, um, in the universe and there being a karma, and every action has an opposite reaction and you know, in fact, every action you take does impact the universe and the world and others. You know, um fact, every action you take does impact the universe and the world and others. You know, which was a point that I was becoming acutely aware of, and I liked the fact that, rather than there being like a god to fear or something you know you had to be good because you're fearing that god. It was more like the onus is on you. You know, these are the rules. Now, go and play in the universe as you will. You know, if you're shitty person, there'll be a price to pay, sort of thing.

Speaker 1:

Um, and I, yeah, I think there's a lot of wisdom in a lot of what the buddhists have to say. So. So I guess, as time's gone on, I've really become more, um, yeah, more inclined to sort of believe in what the buddhists have to say. Um, but at the end of the day, you know what? No one knows what the truth is. Right, you know, we all have these beliefs that. You know, people choose to believe what makes the most sense to them, and that's because their brain is biased, and we'll we'll pick up bits of evidence that that that you know, tell you all what you think is is true. So you know, therefore, further concreting, uh, what rings truest to you as being what the truth is, and then, because spirituality is such a personal thing, uh, people get very passionate about it, and then that's how wars start, and, at the end of the day, it's probably all the same god that we're all having a what a relationship with, or whatever.

Speaker 1:

Just we interpret it through different lenses, um, and so, for me, I think it's an energy force, it's not a person, but there must be intelligence and intention, um, just because you know, look, I should be fucking dead, and there's been so many things, interventions that have happened that have led to me still being here, that I can't possibly think of that being a random choice, you know, like random chance, there's something up there, whatever it is, that's kept me going on the pathway that I'm on, kept me alive, you know. So maybe I've got a deeper purpose or whatever, who knows. But so I realise that I think, as human beings, we are completely incapable of knowing the truth of what that higher power is. We can't conceive of what it is. You know, it's probably not an animate object or anything you know like a person, but as human beings, that's all we can relate to. So that's why humanity humanizes this idea of this higher power into god or whatever you know, and I'm cool with that.

Speaker 1:

I mean, you know, sometimes, at times when I have, I guess, communicated to a higher power sort of thing, you know, um, I have found myself talking to them like they're human, and I'm cool with that, because I think you do need a relationship with whatever's up there if you choose to believe in it, and the only way that you can really have that relationship is if you put it in a human form. But at the same time, I acknowledge that it probably isn't like that, you know, but it's the best way that I can communicate with whatever it is. So, yeah, that's my, I guess, pretty much to summarize my beliefs. I think we don't know what the truth is, we're not capable of knowing, we'll never know. That's one of life's great mysteries. But there is something out there. That's the extent of my belief system, I guess, so to speak.

Speaker 1:

And I guess why is that important in recovery? I mean, it's because when I was, yeah, like completely nihilistic and atheist and not aware of any like spirituality, like my connectedness to others or anything, then I could just do the wrong thing without even batting an eyelid or just make up excuses or whatever. I was cool with it. You know, and um, and you know I just didn't think there would ever be any consequences and you know that I could just go on living my life in isolation, you know just being a shitty person and everyone would just have to deal with it.

Speaker 1:

Um, but then in recovery, you know, working out, well, look, if you do shitty things, there's karma and and you know, chaos and bad things start to keep happening, like when I was an unwilled addict. There, the list of, of, of complete and utter catastrophes just kept on coming into my life. You know, bad stuff just kept happening. And then, when I finally worked out that you can't continue to bullshit people, you can't lie and you have to show up authentically. You have to do the right thing and respect others. Then really good things started to happen in my life, you know. I was like, yeah, there's the ebb and flow of the universe, like if you're a shitty person with dark energy, you know you will attract. You know bad things are going to happen and I'm sick of being miserable, like everyone wants to be happy. I want to be happy, you know. And so, yeah, that's why I guess, yeah, my belief in something bigger out there, my recognition that I will die without human relationships, and then the higher value that I place on that, it keeps me well today, you know. So, then, through working the steps and retracing back events of my life, and, of course, you know, when you're an will addict, it's everyone else's fault, not yours. Everyone else was the arsehole. Like what do they say? If you've met two cunts, three cunts, before lunchtime, you're the cunt, you know, and yeah, so, like, I reached out, went back through all of my story with my sponsor and my ex-partner as well, who's now my ex.

Speaker 1:

He was my partner at the time and I took accountability for things and responsibility and I was like, yeah, okay, well, that was largely my fault, not anyone else's, or you know, and you learn about, yeah, how your actions impact on others and you. You learn that your perspective wasn't right and you take accountability your own stuff and, for me, I after the initial painfulness of it, I actually liked the process of looking into my darkest bits of my personality. I did a lot of reading, a little, a lot of research around that time too, because I was on my own a lot in a flat and we got nothing but the internet and I learned about our shadow selves and things like that and and how if you're triggered by someone else, if they really annoy you, it's probably because they're reflecting something of yourself back, all these sorts of concepts and I really went through this sort of very mind opening sort of time when I learned a lot about all of that stuff, and so I went from being and so then I realized, well, shit, you know, if you want so, we die.

Speaker 1:

If we don't have close relationships, we die without other human beings. The only way to have a real relationship is to be authentic and not lie and bullshit. You know, you have to show your true self, because otherwise that person's just having a relationship with a half, a manufactured fake person, not not you. So you have to show up authentically. You have to know who you are at your core, your deepest core, and you have to show up as that person. And sometimes that's really difficult.

Speaker 1:

Um, and then I. So I went through this whole thing. That authenticity meant a great deal to me. And then, um, I, I got into another relationship and I really, yeah, like I wanted that to be based on truth and um, there's no way that I like, if I go to do even something that's remotely selfish or the wrong thing, I get this real heaviness right and I like go feel almost sick and I, I listen to that that feeling now and I go, okay, what am I doing? That is not right. How am I being selfish and how can I do things differently?

Speaker 1:

Like, for instance, you know, I have ADHD, I hyperfocus and my hyperfocus lately has been like the garden, right, like I want to spend all day there, like doing the garden, you know, I want to spend all day there like doing the garden, you know, and anyway, so I went out for lunch and I spent the day, the day before, with my son and my partner, and I said, okay, but tomorrow I get to spend the whole day in the garden. Right, that's what I'm going to do. That's going to be my day, anyway. So my partner and my son were going to the beach and they're like you know, we know you're in the garden and that, but you know, do you want to come? I was like nah, and they said yeah, okay, and they went to go and I had this real heaviness right. So I was determined I was going on a mission to Bunnings, which is like my all-out favorite thing to do. I was going to buy stuff and then get stuck into the backyard. I was so super excited about it. I was just determined that that was what I was going to do.

Speaker 1:

And I went to go to Bunnings and I thought about it. I went. I feel really uneasy. I've got this heaviness, I feel sick, I don't feel happy about doing this. And I went. Yeah, you know why? Because you should actually go to the beach with your son and your partner. You know that, don't you beach with your son and your partner? You know that? Don't you like you're being a selfish shit like your son, he should come first and you know there'll come a time when he doesn't want you to go anywhere near him. You know, and and you know, and, and your partner, you know you need, you know you, you don't want to be alone in the garden for the rest of your life. You know you value this person, you want him in your life, so you have to honor that. And so, yeah, I went to the beach and I was so happy, like my son was running around having a good time on the beach, and I had a beautiful discussion with my partner and at the end of that I said to them you know what, I'm actually really glad I didn't go to Bunnings and I came to the beach and I mean, I mean that for me, I call that a spiritual moment.

Speaker 1:

You know, like I've become attuned to when I'm doing a shitty thing and I can't do it now, like the weight of it bears down on me and I stop and question, you know, and I choose to do something else. I mean because we all have free will. You know, that's, yeah, the higher powers way now of keeping me in line. And so, yeah, that's sort of. You know, if I contrast that to how I was before. I would have just gone the fuck to Bunnings and I wouldn't even had that happiness and I wouldn't even care, and I was like, well, yeah, it's my right to go, you know, whatever. So be it. You know, um, and I'm just not like that now. And, yeah, life is so much more happier now. You know that I have people in my life.

Speaker 1:

Being lonely is pretty miserable, yeah, so, like, spirituality for me like is yeah, it's a little bit about the higher power and all that. I don't think too much about that A little bit, maybe. I mean that I don't think too much about that a little bit maybe, um, I mean I'm terrified about my mortality, um, uh, but, um, yeah, I don't think so much about that. It's there in the background and but really, what spirituality for me is is your connectedness to others, because I spent so much of my life just disrespecting that. You know, and it's come. It governs everything from, like, how you relate to other people. Well, that's the main thing I mean, because I've spent most of my life being a closeted addict, lying and hiding something, always this dark secret, and projecting to the world someone that I wasn't.

Speaker 1:

You know, and I think that when you meet other people, that shows up, people pick up on that. You know that there's something not quite right, because there's no way that you can manufacture a 360 degree personality out of smoke and mirrors and expect that to come off as a normal sort of person. You know it just doesn't. People pick up that there's something not quite right and I always felt really, really awkward in social situations, you know, like I'm not good enough or I'm weird and whatever. People aren't going to like me, um, and that's energy that you give up off, that pick up on.

Speaker 1:

I believe in energies that we put out. I very much believe in that, whereas now I'm forgiving myself, I'm cool with who I am. I'm pretty sure that when, to the best of my abilities, I show up as that good moral person that I have at my core, I don't do the wrong thing and it makes it's very powerful because you can look people in the eye, cool with who you are, and there's just no, no shiftiness or no dark energy there. You know you're not looking to compete against anyone else or see if they're better or worse than you. You know there's just you. You just are who you are, not judgmental and, um, you know, out of that, I've actually made like two friends as an adult maybe to a new place and um, and I seem to get along.

Speaker 1:

There are times when I still doubt myself and I feel a bit awkward. I mean, I'm not, you know, completely without that, um, but but as time goes along, I can recognize that now and I think, okay, why am I like that? Or you know, um, what energy am I projecting out to that person? Or you know what's going on there with that? Um, I'm very much more in tune to it, and life when you get along with others is so much easier. You know like it really is. So, um, it makes my life, yeah, easier, being this sort of open and honest person who's pretty cool with who she is, you know, I think also, um, yeah, so I I've pretty much done followed this journey and come out the other end a pretty different person in the way that I act and things, and so I guess there's a few, several things that have happened with that journey.

Speaker 1:

Um, the first one is that I've completely lost the urge to use drugs, to use meth, and part of that is I stopped feeling any type of euphoria when I took it and all it did was cause me misery. And I saw what it was doing to other people around me who were doing it and I didn't see the point anymore. I just didn't want to do it. So I've really completely lost the edge, you know. But the and part of the reason for that is that in, in recovery, I really enjoy the calm, sedate, sort of self-assuredness that I have, the inner peace and just yeah, being satisfied, I guess. Not satisfied, that's content, you know.

Speaker 1:

And I couldn't think of anything worse than the feeling of being high, you know, on meth I just I don't chase that anymore. I find that overwhelming and actually quite anxiety provoking. You know, it's not and it's just because I'm, I'm just someone different, you know, and it's not not something that I chase. And whereas before I used to just do it, no matter what the fuck, you know I didn't care, you know, and I just do it and you know I'd lie about it and I didn't care how that affected others, like now, I couldn't think of anything worse than being like high as a kite and trying to, you know, cover that up and then being worried that the person that you care about, who trusts you so much is, like you know, suspecting that you're high and, oh, like I just couldn't, I couldn't, I would be torturous for me, um, so it's not my go-to for that reason.

Speaker 1:

But also, if something distressing happens, I've got other coping mechanisms now that are much more healthy, like you know exercise, and going for a walk on the beach, practicing mindfulness, you know, all of these other things. Uh, that it's just, it's not my go-to, you know, um, and where I am geographically and things, it would be far more easier, in fact, for me to procure drugs, but I'm, I'm just not interested, you know, and I don't think I'll ever be, uh, and I know that's a big statement, but it's because of the spiritual journey that I've traveled and that I, I just can't do it anymore. I can't break those rules. That's not who I am, and I value everyone around me, all these relationships that I've lost and had the privilege to be able to rebuild in recovery, like my ex, the father of my son. He's got every right to hate me, and he should, you know. So I'm so lucky that he has forgiven me, um, yeah, and so I just, all those things I value too too much to to even, you know selfishly, go and just break my sobriety because something shitty happens, like it's just not something I'd do a lot of. It's really difficult to articulate and hard to put into words, you know. But you just know at your central center of being, that's just not who you are anymore. I mean, if the thing about doing meth is you're so high as a kite that you're on another planet and you can't relate to other human beings and that's how we get along in this world, is is relating to other human beings and having interactions and having relationships, and if something gets in the way of that, then that's just not consistent with having a happy life and that's what we all chase is being happy.

Speaker 1:

You know, the buddhists have this belief that you don't ever realize true happiness until you're truly selfless and you're putting other people's needs ahead of your own. And only at that point, when you're being not selfish in any way, shape or form selfless um, that's when you can realize true happiness. You know, and if and the chasing desires, you know. So the so drugs would be a desire, sex or whatever selfish desires always comes with a karmic cost and never brings you true happiness. You know, when you eventually get that thing you desire. You might feel elation or happiness for a few seconds. It's very short-lived, and then the costs come. You have to repay and it's not the pathway to true happiness. You know, and I know that now. So like taking drugs is not going to make you happy, it's a selfish desire.

Speaker 1:

You know, for me, I stopped feeling any sense of euphoria even so. Even that had gone and it just doesn't make sense anymore and it's not not going to end in happiness, you know, only only misery. And I do strongly believe that, like my ex who was, who still used drugs, you know, occasionally, uh, I believe he that's, he was chasing for happiness with taking drugs and just looking for it in the wrong place and, and this is why he's I hope not, but maybe still unhappy. You know it's because that's he's selfish. You know he believes, yeah, that that's going to make him happy, when it's just making him more and more miserable.

Speaker 1:

You know, in terms of the other aspects of recovery, you know, in recovery I've noticed, like, where I derive, like true sheer joy is by doing just random, nice and thoughtful things for other people. Um, that might cost me money or time or whatever. Um, and then just there, knowing that what I've done is going to bring them joy, um, or make them feel special in some way, it really fills me up with a real glowing sense of happiness and joy. You know, before I was so selfish, like a completely selfish person, that thought that you know, getting material things like new clothes was going to make me happy, and I've realised that no more what the case is now if you're really kind and you do thoughtful things and you know, not just any act of kindness but something that really shows that you know that person and know what they would appreciate, and it doesn't have to be very costly. It's like, you know, like I was having a facial done at a place in Corumbin and it just happened to be next to this place where my partner really he really loves the bento boxes there, so you know, I surprised him with a bento box.

Speaker 1:

Just, you know, like really simple small things like that and larger things. You know, like my ex was struggling with money and I just deposited like a thousand dollars into his account one day and and I knew he'd wake up and that would be like that would lift the weight of the world off his shoulders and that that made me feel good, you know, it made me feel really happy, um, uh. So yeah, I guess I've discovered true happiness in that light, like the Buddhists say, whereas before I just would have never, ever done anything that was, yeah, kind or randomly kind. You know, probably would have struggled to fork up the money to get a nice birthday present for someone thinking about you know how many drugs I couldn't get because of it and that sort of thing, you know. Uh, so yeah, I really sort of flipped the lid on who I am and and how I am, um, these days in terms of, like, my, my own recovery and where I am at now, like, um, you know, people ask how did I do it or how did I get there, and and that sort of thing, and, and I guess so for me, I started off of reading a lot of the NA literature and I think there's truth in what they have to say I do, but for me I didn't end up working the 12 steps and that was more out of circumstance and and geography and where I was at in my stage of life.

Speaker 1:

So I guess, for me, like I was a, you know, if we go back to when I was a hopeless addict, living in a hotel, you know, alone, doing IV drugs every day, totally oblivious to the fact that, you know, I was going to end up dead if I kept going on down that trajectory. For any number of reasons misadventure, you know, overdose, being killed by someone, any number of things I just didn't realize how much danger I was in. But I was so helpless and I didn't want to be where I was, you know, and I really needed. I couldn't have pulled myself out of that hole, like, if left to my own devices, I would sure I would be dead by now. Um, and I needed someone to help and save me.

Speaker 1:

But the problem is is that I'd burnt all my bridges with anyone who was close to me, you know they realized that they couldn't help me, uh, that I was a hopeless case, you know, I just wasn't ever going to stop, um, using drugs and and, and they'd all kind of just given up on me in a way, because they had to, because they, if they would try to help me by giving money, they knew that that wasn't helping, because, you know, they were worried about where that money would go. Or, like you know, in terms of my ex's case you know he had to leave me because I was going to take him down if he stayed with me and we would have lost custody of our child. Um, so everyone had stepped back and but I really needed the help of another human being in order to survive. There was no other way that I was going to do it. There was no way that I was going to come to my senses and realise that the only way to get out of my misery was to get clean.

Speaker 1:

You know, and so I guess humanity offered me human kindness and charity in the form that, the only possible form that would be available to someone like me at that time. You know I was a mess. Like what sane man in his right mind would take me on as a partner. You know, like anyone who's sort of got half a brain in their head would run a country mile. You know they would not take a you know, a junkie prostitute in to live with them. But that's what I needed. I needed, I needed a roof over my head, and so I got saved by the type of kindness that that humanity, the only type of kindness that humanity could provide to me at that time, and that was through the charity of a, an altruistic narcissist, because no other really kind, good-meaning person would have taken me on. You know, and I accept that now, but I accept that that was the only form of kindness and humanity that was there, that is available, that could have helped someone like me. Humanity that was there, that is available, that could have helped someone like me.

Speaker 1:

And so I went to live with gentlemen who offered me or who hired my me as a, as an escort, and then offered to let me stay on in his flat, and it's crazy, like no man in his right mind would do that. But we felt I fell in love, um, and that became my motivating factor, that relationship to get clean. You know, um, because I had, it was such, you know, I believed in the romance of the story, like you know, pretty woman sort of thing, and, um, I this, he was a self-professed addict, but his whole thing was that, yeah, like I'm an addict but I can control my use, you know. So I have not lost my job because of it. Or you know, I've not burnt my life down because of it, but you have. So you have to get clean, you know.

Speaker 1:

And at that time, you know, I really needed to be controlled because I was incapable of running my own life. So, you know, being a um yeah, and a um a narcissist, you know, he was very effective at controlling me, and controlling me with fear and leverage over my head, like if you use drugs, I'm going to kick you out, sort of thing, and I needed to be reined in, and so I'm grateful for him because he really did save my life and he he did start me on my pathway towards recovery, you know, and I really loved him and I wanted to do the right thing by him and everything else, but I wasn't quite there yet, you know, um, and so I needed him for a bit. I needed to be controlled and I needed to be reined in and I needed a shelter over my head, which he gave me, and I did love him. But the problem with him was that he is an addict and he still uses drugs from time to time and would want to take drugs with me. We would have these like party nights and things, and, and for him that was his.

Speaker 1:

Where he was searching for happiness is to have like sexy nights with drugs, you know, and things, and for me I found initially those nights were really great, you know, and and I thought it brought us closer together. But as time went on, uh, they were not. You know, he the, the funnel would last about 12 hours. He would get bored of me. I wouldn't be at all euphoric, I'd just be awake and he would be there on the couch wanking, watching porn for days on end and and contacting other hookers, which I found kind of a little bit hurtful and and these, these sort of parties, degenerated into something that was horrifying, you know, and and it was if anything was driving us further apart, not together. And so I realized firstly that I, I didn't want to take meth anymore. It just didn't didn't do anything good for me. All it brought into my life was misery and pain. It was driving us apart. I could see what it was doing to him.

Speaker 1:

You know, like there was a time when, um, so his whole thing, he would go away to work, he'd come back and he'd want to get on the drugs. And then, uh, one time I had my son there and he'd want to get on the drugs. And then one time I had my son there and he was demanding that I get some meth for him to take while and my son was there and I absolutely refused. And it was at that point I was so angry, like I was so angry that he even asked that, knowing how much I'd lost with this drug, particularly over my son, that he was asking me to bring that into the place where my son was, and I just went no, that's not cool, you know. Like it just. There was nothing about it that was cool and I and I realized how much of a hold that this drug had over him and that he couldn't even pull himself into line to not have drugs around when there was an eight-year-old around it. It was really ugly and I was like, wow, you know.

Speaker 1:

Firstly, if I stick around in this relationship, I can't save him, because I thought that I could save him. He saved me and so I could save him, but he doesn't want to be saved, you know, and the only person that can save him is him, not me. Secondly, he's going to take me down if I stay with him. You know he's going to take me down if I stay with him. You know he's going to end up losing his job if he keeps using drugs and spat, and you know it's just all going to be a shit show. And secondly, he keeps bringing drugs into my orbit, you know, and I'm never going.

Speaker 1:

I, firstly, I've made a conscious decision that I never want this in my life, ever again, because it it just brings misery, destruction and I'm not even having fun. And, and you know, secondly, like so he's always going to want to be bringing it into my orbit and I can't be around. That you know. And if I don't have my recovery, then I really don't have anything, you know. Um, and so that's yeah, when I, when the relationship ended, he actually dumped me, but upon reflection I've realized all of these things now. But he helped me a lot at the end of the relationship too, because it really galvanized my determination and resolve that I was done with this drug. You know I was really done with it and so, probably without even knowing it, he helped me greatly in that way too. And so yeah that that I guess my spiritual journey has been guided by a little bit of NA, a lot of self-reflection, a lot of research, reading, watching content on different things and my reflection about relationships that I've had throughout this journey and why they had to happen.

Speaker 1:

So, like I don't hate my ex, you know, I wish him all the best and I hope that I hope that he finds a better pathway. You know, and I can see that you know, he's chasing happiness in getting high and you know, having sex. You know, but it's not going to bring him true happiness because there's a cost to all of that, you know, and you're not really having real connection there and I hope he finds a better way. You know, I do. I don't wish him any ill will, but we must go our separate ways. And then, moving into the current relationship that I'm in now, it's laid the basis for a really beautiful relationship whereby there's no leverage. You know, I don't feel like I have to do the right thing, but I want to. You know, and, yeah, I'm very blessed. I've got a wonderful partner now and I think that if I had met him early on, I wouldn't respect, I wouldn't honor the relationship as much as I do now. You know. So I'm not a shithead and yeah, so I guess the other thing with the universe is that.

Speaker 1:

So then I started to really want to do the right thing. I didn't want to use drugs, I didn't. You know, I had no urge, which is great If anything. I'm really grateful for it. I don't feel like I worked hard to get it. It just sort of happened as I walked the steps and just did the next right thing and I'm so grateful for that. Like if I had to sit here and every day resist the urge to use, I wouldn't win that fight. But the simple fact is I'm a different person now and that's my spiritual journey and I believe that that's what I do.

Speaker 1:

I strongly believe that addiction is a spiritual disease. You have to do the work and come out of it a different person to be able to conquer it. And that's essentially why, like psychiatrists, people like that, just fail at rehabilitating people Because they have to do follow that. We have to follow that those footpaths on our own. You know, in a way, um, yeah, so, and I think that's why there's that perception that it is such a hopeless disease because other people can't help, but it's the person who's affected that has to help themselves. You know and I'm really so grateful that I have had my disease because it's led me on a pathway to massive self-discovery and enlightenment that I don't think anyone with any other problem has the privilege of learning and discovering. You know, and I wouldn't be who I was today without that journey. So I'm grateful for that and all the suffering other than the suffering that I caused others. That's my biggest regret, but the suffering that I had to endure I'm glad for that. You know, it's shaped me into who I am today, you know.

Speaker 1:

I believe that there's a reason that certain people have popped up in my life at pertinent points and I believe I'm really fucking lucky to be alive. You know, um, really and truly. Um, yeah, the simple thing is you get out what you put in. If you give out good energy, good things come to you. You know, namaste anyway, um, that's all I have to say today. Like I hope that's made sense for some people, maybe even helped or give hope to some people. Um, or maybe it's just put you to sleep and you have bad insomnia, and so that's good too. Until the next time, be kind to one another. And um, yeah, I'll be doing episodes weekly, hopefully. So until next time, uh, be happy.