fitscapades
I went from successful specialist doctor in rural Australia to a homeless addict selling my body for drugs and almost dead to living in full recovery in a three story house 30 meters from the beach with my amazing gorgeous partner, my son, his son, our cat and dog. I am an addict in recovery, my story is quite unique and I didn't live it all only to have it untold as the dusts pass over my grave at the eventual end of my life. I want to give hope to addicts in pain, to their families who worry that true recovery is possible even when you are as bad as I was. I want to try to shift perception in the community that addicts are not a waste of time we are capable of recovery and are not lost causes. I have learned so much and gained so much wisdom walking this pathway to recovery it seems a shame not share this. The lessons I have learned are useful to everyone not just those challenged by addiction.
fitscapades
From Addiction to Awakening: Michelle's Remarkable Journey
Every morning, I wake up and have to pinch myself. Is this beautiful home by the beach, these loving relationships, this second chance at motherhood—is it all real? The contrast to where I was just a few years ago seems impossible.
My journey from kidney specialist to homeless addict selling my body for drugs nearly killed me—literally. With staph sepsis ravaging my body and my family waiting for the call that I had died, I hit a devastating bottom few survive. But that devastation created the foundation for the beautiful, serene life I live today.
Recovery wasn't what I expected. While many describe constant battles with urges and cravings, my experience was different. One day, I simply looked at methamphetamine and realized it brought me nothing but misery and loss. The euphoria was gone. What remained was a clarity that changed everything: I was done. Not through heroic willpower, but through a fundamental shift in perception that made drugs irrelevant to who I was becoming.
This podcast explores addiction as a spiritual malady that requires spiritual solutions. I'll share how rebuilding my life from absolute zero taught me to live authentically, without pretense. How reconnecting with my physical health through fitness revealed the body's remarkable resilience. How growing my own food and rejecting processed alternatives became part of my healing. And most importantly, how forming honest connections with others created the rich tapestry of relationships I cherish today.
Whether you're struggling with addiction, loving someone who is, or simply interested in transformation, Recovery Cast offers wisdom from the trenches. My story proves that rock bottom can become the solid foundation for building something beautiful. Subscribe now to join me on this journey of authentic recovery, where hope isn't just a concept—it's the lived reality I never thought possible.
Welcome to Recovery Cast. My name is Michelle, so this is my first podcast, not the first podcast I've done. I actually used to do a podcast when I was an unwell addict called Slutcast, so if my voice sounds familiar, that's why and I'm sitting on my balcony in Casuarina it's about 9.30 in the morning and I'm looking out at the beautiful view that I have from here and, yeah, my life is pretty good. I apologize, because there's lots of sound from the neighbors and I don't have a professional recording studio, so hopefully that's tolerable. Anyway, I am an addict in recovery and I was a pretty bad addict and you know, the wisdom that I've gained through this whole journey has been massive. And that's why I started my podcast, I guess, because I just wanted to get what I've learned out there, because I've yeah, I'm grateful for the journey that I've had to follow I've gained a lot of wisdom and really changed who I am today. So I'm hoping that this podcast will be helpful to addicts who are in suffering, to their families, who are worried about them, who need hope that their loved one is going to survive, and also, too, I think a lot of the lessons that I've learned along the way are applicable to anyone in life, not just addicts. Anyone, any human being, can benefit from the things that I have learned and, you know, that's why I really think that I it's a privilege to have had the illness that I've had, um, and to have had to walk in the steps that I've had to walk in, like, if not for the people, the hurt that I caused everyone, um, when I was going through my worst, uh, if not for that that, the hurt that I caused everyone when I was going through my worst, if not for that, that's the thing that I regret. But other than that, any pain and suffering that I had to endure I'm grateful for because it's gotten me to where I am today as a person and my actual position as well, my life where I'm at at the moment.
Speaker 1:So I was homeless, I lost everything. I was working as a, as a escort on the road, selling my body for drugs and, you know, I almost died. I almost died of staph sepsis and, yeah, there were points when I wanted to die too, and the journey that I've taken has led me through to here, sitting here on my balcony in Kajarina. I have a wonderful partner who just called me then. I have a wonderful partner. I live me then. I have a wonderful partner. I live in the most beautiful part of Australia. I have a wonderful life. I, you know, I've got a garden, a vegetable garden, a pool. You know, my lifestyle is amazing.
Speaker 1:I wake up every morning and actually have to pinch myself, you know, because when I was homeless and moving from house to house, often I would wake up and one forget where I was and look around, and I still get that a little bit. And every morning I wake up and I have to go pinch myself and go, wow, is this a dream or am I really here? You know, um, I'm in a beautiful place and one of the best things is like the relationships that I've healed. You know, I've got a good relationship now with my parents who, when I was at my worst, stopped taking my calls. You know, they were just waiting for the call to with the news that I was dead, you know.
Speaker 1:And I've got a really good relationship with my ex-partner. Like we're just the best of mates, like I help him with his dating apps and stuff like that. It's purely platonic, but it's a beautiful relationship. My ex I was such a shithead. He should really hate me, but he doesn't, god knows why and, yeah, we have a really good relationship. I um have custody back for my son and I've got a second chance at actually being a mom again, which was something that I used to grieve. I just thought I'd lost that whole opportunity to ever, ever be a mother again.
Speaker 1:And you know, I think, uh, having met my partner at the time when I did, yeah, like I have a really beautiful relationship that is based in in truth and honesty and and it's wonderful and and so, yeah, I have, I guess, yeah, I have met lots of material things and and where I am in the physical world is it's fucking unreal, you know. But, um, but it's the humans that I have around me now that I, you know, when I was at my worst, I was just alone and no one gave a shit about me. Oh no, they did, but they just couldn't help me, you know, and I had no one, and that, above all, it's other humans that I value the most, you know. And so, yeah, like my story's pretty out there, I am in no way normal, like life is not know, like, I have my challenges. The main things are due to my ADHD now, which I'm managing and and sort of still getting my feet back on the ground and working out where I am going to from here. Um, so yeah, I, I guess, um, that's I. I thought I had some wisdom to share to everyone and that's why I have started this podcast.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I lost through my addiction was my career. I was once a kidney specialist working in a hospital. So, yeah, obviously, because I was cooked on drugs, I wasn't able to practice anymore and I burnt my career down good and proper. And, yeah, I guess I might go back to medicine, but working, not as a specialist. I can't fathom that. I couldn't think of anything worse. And again, I don't really regret losing that because I don't fathom that. I couldn't think of anything worse. Um, and again that I don't really regret losing that because I don't think I was really happy in that place. I was sort of pretending to be someone I wasn't and although I had all the knowledge and things, I just never felt like I ever really properly fit in that scene and it was always a struggle to get up in the morning and I just it was just a hard life. I felt like I was a rat on a wheel. So that's not for me. It was kind of like being such an ambitious person. I shot for the stars and once I got there I just realised that's not who I was.
Speaker 1:I guess, in a way, other than being a mother and an ex-doctor or a non-practising doctor, I am also a Les Mills fitness instructor, and fitness is a big part, has been a big part, of my recovery and has been a big part of my life. You know, when I was at my fittest, I just took my physical fitness for granted. I could move any piece of furniture. I just wasn't limited at all by any of my physicality. And then I went through this phase where, you know, being an IV drug user for like two, three solid years, I didn't work out and I was starting to really grieve my fitness, like I couldn't walk up a hill without getting puffed out, I couldn't walk upstairs and I really thought that, given all of the abuse that I'd done to my body, that I'd lost my fitness forever and that was it.
Speaker 1:And then, at some point in my recovery, I decided to go back to the gym and, yeah, I got my fitness back and I realized how resilient the body can be and I'm ever so thankful for that, and I got into CrossFit and things like that, and so, yeah, fitness is a big part of who I am, and so that could make it into some of the content too, because in recovery, I guess the holy grail for me is finding, I believe, that some somewhere is a sweet spot where you get your diet on point and right and you get your physicality at on point and right and you wake up every day feeling even better than you know what you were at your best day, when you were as high as a kite. Yeah, um, there must be a sweet spot there that that you know you can hit. Yeah, which would be helpful for people in recovery and also preventing people becoming addicted to, you know, illegal substances. I guess I'm just thinking out loud, but that's why I grow my veggie garden and I'm so passionate about that, because when my veggie garden starts to produce, because when my veggie garden starts to produce, my idea is just to survive and live off. Nothing from a packet, nothing processed, just all natural stuff out of the garden farm to plate meat, nothing from coals or woolies, because I think that all of the stuff in there is just rubbish. It's all rubbish meat, meat genetically modified, full of hormones and chemicals, and I yeah, I guess in my recovery I've become a bit of a tinfoil hatter, you know. In a way I like, yeah, some of the stuff now I buy into. If you told me that when I was a practicing doctor, and not well spiritually, I would have just laughed and said you know, it's a lot of bullshit that you're talking there.
Speaker 1:Michelle, I want to delve in also to spirituality, and when I say the word spirituality a lot of people start to think oh God, you know, she's found the Jesus and things like that, you know, and it's all religious. No, it's not religious. I guess. For me, the religion that would make most sense and resonates the best with me is Buddhism, but I'm not a strict Buddhist, I can't, you know, I don't I. Just the teachings resonate with me and spirituality is a very individual thing, I guess.
Speaker 1:But for me what spirituality means is, okay, your connectedness to whatever's up there, the higher power or whatever, or God, if you're Christian. But what's the most important thing, I guess, is that your connectedness to others, that's also a form of spirituality, and showing up honestly and authentically, without anything to hide, so that your energy is clear and you can project to others a more positive energy, I guess. So that's a lot of the work that I think. A lot of the work that I've done and a lot of what I think about is that, because I'm neurodivergent and I have been not the best in social situations, very awkward and always feeling like I don't fit in, and so what I've learned is that when you don't have anything to hide and you're just coming out honestly and you're cool with who you are, then you tend to get along and be magnetic to others more Well, yeah, a lot more than when you're hiding something. People tend to pick up on that if you're bullshitting.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, a lot of what I want to talk about is kind of spiritual stuff, because I really do believe that the illness of addiction is a spiritual malady. It's a spiritual disease it's true what they say in NA and the only way to heal it is to heal, to take a spiritual journey and essentially, yeah, become someone different and heal your scars. You know, I mean, like when I was getting over my last relationship, which was quite traumatic, I went to a spiritual healer, actually, and I found it immensely helpful. So I will be talking about that more in episodes to come. I mean, people think that recovery is hard work and it's all about willpower and resisting the urge to use, and for some I guess maybe it is that way, but for me I'm blessed'm blessed like it was hard chop.
Speaker 1:I lived through some hard circumstances but the actual work of recovering, I wouldn't say was the heavy lifting that just kind of seemed to evolve as I went one day to the next, not using and self-reflecting and owning all the bullshit mistakes that I made and things like that. Taking responsibility and owning up to that. That wasn't the hard work. The hard work was like living with no money. The relationship that I was in at the time was abusive. That was a bit difficult. But those were the hard aspects of life. But the actual recovery for me.
Speaker 1:I got to a point where I was like you know what I'm done with this, I'm done with drugs and you know all this shit does is bring me misery and loss. This shit does is bring me misery and loss. And when I smoke meth now, because I went from not banging it to smoking it when I smoke it you know I don't even get high anymore. You know, like there's no euphoria here, I'm just awake. What's the point of any of this, you know? And so I really arrived at a point where I'm today, which is like I have no urge to use, like I don't, you know, it's, it's I.
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't sit here thinking about myth every day or gosh, I wish I could have it. No, not at all. I am NOT in the slightest do I wish to pick up, and that there's many reasons for that. I prefer, prefer, much prefer, the serenity and calm, in a calmness that I feel in, in sobriety, uh, and I like being me, you know, and that's the first thing. The second thing is I couldn't think of anything worse. Like with everyone around me, now, if I was to use, I would then have to pretend that I wasn't using, and then there'll be that paranoia and you'd be high as a kite and paranoid, but then, like having to act really straight, and you'd be paranoid that someone was going to pick up on the fact that you were high, oh, and it would be awful, like it's. The actual thought of that is torture to me, like absolute torture, and I couldn't do it. I care too much about the people I love, um, and it's just not something I can do. Um, so yeah, it's more.
Speaker 1:Life in recovery is learning to live again in a different way. You have to pick the pieces up. You have to work out what you're going to do with the rest of your life, you know, and stuff. Because when you absolutely decimate your life and you become homeless and you ruin your career and things, there's a lot of rebuilding that has to happen and you have to rebuild relationships and things like that. And yeah, there's a lot that goes into it all. You're sort of left standing at the bottom of a decimated building, shaking yourself off, going. What next, you know? But in true recovery.
Speaker 1:So I feel. So I feel blessed. I feel really blessed that I'm not like that, that I have to resist the urge to use all the time, because if that was the case I simply wouldn't be clean, right, because I have no impulse control whatsoever. But yeah, I don't feel proud of what I. Well, some people would say what I've achieved. I would say what's happened. I don't feel proud of that because it's just what happened.
Speaker 1:One day overnight I looked at the drug. It's just what happened. One day overnight I looked at the drug. I was with the partner who was in the grunt, like he loved meth and he wanted to keep using it, and I looked at what it was doing to him and how it was making him act. I reflected and went well, it's not even giving me any euphoria and all it's doing is causing misery and loss. And I just went like I'm fucking done with this, you know, like happy if I never see another bag of drugs again, you know, and yeah, like it wasn't anything, I felt I worked hard on it, just sort of came over me almost, you know, and I'm really so incredibly, I feel so grateful for that. Yeah, that's what I feel. I just feel lucky.
Speaker 1:Firstly, I feel really lucky that I survived and I've made it through to a beautiful life. You know, um, like, if you would have told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would not, I wouldn't simply believe you, you know. But yeah, so you know, I'm really grateful for that. And so when people say, you know, we're really proud of you, or whatever, I go, no, you know, I'm not proud. It's what I had to do to survive. Right, it was either that or die, because, let's face it, like addiction and drug use. It's a lethal disease. You know it's lethal, especially if you're using intravenously. You know the survival rate from that is is worse than stage four cancer. You know it's. It's terrible. You know, uh, I shudder now at some of the things that I did.
Speaker 1:You know that were just so stupid and I go, wow, you know, you are really lucky to be alive. Um, you know like, and I've almost developed like a pavlobian response, you know, if I think about going to put an intravenous needle in myself, I just feel sick. And so I think, fundamentally, if you do the spiritual work and you get to that point, you really become a different person. That's the only way that I could describe it, way that I could describe it. Or you start living up to being the person that fits all of your moral and ethical sort of values and core values and strengths you know that you hold dearest to your heart.
Speaker 1:So when I see another addict who's using or in suffering, I don't feel judgmental, I don't feel self-righteous, I don't see them as any worse than me. I'm no better than them. They're just at a different stage than I am and they have every capability of getting to where I am and I wish. I hope for them that they do, you know. But yeah, I don't judge. I mean, how dare I? I was there, you know, two years ago, right where they are now. I'm no better than them, you know, and I really believe that I do. I feel deep empathy for people who are struggling. I think sharing my story with the world is really important because there's so much to be learned from it and I don't know I want to. If anything, when I die, I want my legacy to be that I did good for the world, that I was good, that I did good for humanity, because humanity at this point is at a really ugly, ugly point.
Speaker 1:If you look at social media and stuff, there's all these trolls that you know obviously feel very bad about themselves and want to hate on others. There's so much hatred in the world and so much nastiness that I despair for humanity sometimes. And, yeah, I want to just put, maybe make a dent in that. You know I've got Instagram and I've got TikTok and there's a lot of trolls on there. You know they leave comments like oh yeah, you know you still look like a junkie or you know whatever derogatory sort of comments and I think, if anything that's made me more resilient and even more sure of the fact of who I am and that you know, I'm steadfast and solid in my recovery and I just reflect back to them and go well, so you know, I hope you feel better after posting that nasty comment.
Speaker 1:You know, obviously your life isn't so good. I'm sorry for that, whereas before I think all these trolls, they really would have destroyed me. But it's because I'm so sure of who I am and that I'm the real deal and they can say what they want. I know what the truth is, you know, and I know that where they're coming from comes from an unhappy place. So, you know, I try and find it in my heart to actually feel empathy for them. But yeah, putting my story out there is sorry.
Speaker 1:I went off on a bit of a tangent. It makes me vulnerable and I'm open to all those trolls, but I was prepared for that and expecting it, you know. But you see, I guess the thing is is that there's a lot of judgment and stigmatization of addicts out there, and that's for a reason too, because a proportion of those people do commit crimes and steal and things like that to support their addiction, and so that means that the general public, they're afraid of them, you know. So there's a reason for that. But also, too, stigmatisation doesn't really help the problem. It makes it worse and it divides. So it's one of those issues where I kind of wanted to show the world that addicts aren't bad people. They're just people in suffering and, you know, maybe muster some empathy for them.
Speaker 1:But I realize that it's a difficult group of people to empathize with because, firstly, they're not on the same. When you're high you're not on the same planet as anyone else, so it's difficult to relate spiritually. And secondly, you know, um, uh, yeah, because a small proportion, like I never stole anything or did any crime like that because I had a body to sell you know but that some of these addicts do, and so you know you're right to not want to. You know, but some of these addicts do, and so you know you're right to not want to. You know, sidle up to them and be your best mate, because they'll probably rob from you. You know some of them, not all, and so when you're looking at a group of people, you know I understand why there's the general public doesn't want to have anything to do with them.
Speaker 1:But I guess I just wanted to, yeah, change perception, I guess, and pave the way for awareness and easier access to treatment for people who are struggling because they're afraid of the stigma and the embarrassment of owning up to being an addict. You know the stigma and the embarrassment of owning up to being an addict, you know. I think it's important because it's a growing problem. You know addiction and so you know I often think the people who get on their high horse and leave trolling comments on my Instagram, I think, well, gosh, you know, just feel lucky that you don't have this problem. And, you know, don't feel immune from it, because one day it could be your brother, your sister, your cousin, your son, your mum, your dad who suffers from this, and then you will have to be faced with, you know, this illness as part of your life, and then will you be saying you know that all addicts are scumbags and should be just thrown to the saying. You know that all addicts are scumbags and should be just thrown to the curb. You know, I mean, don't feel immune. Anything can happen in life. I mean, I certainly know that and so, yeah, we'll.
Speaker 1:Yeah, humility is a great thing. So, yeah, I guess that's my mission, my goal, my aim is, I think I've lived this really difficult, hard and amazing journey, and for me to go to my grave and the dust cover me over and for my story not to be out there for people to learn from, to give hope and inspiration to people, well, I think that would be a loss. You know, I think, yeah, I think that would be a loss. So I am risking the I guess you know I'm sure I'll be trolled a lot and I'm risking all of that so that others can learn and to give hope to people and to put some goodness out into the world. Yeah, I realise that I probably rambled a lot, and if you've made it to the end, well done. Yeah, I realise that I probably rambled a lot, and if you've made it to the end, well done.
Speaker 1:I promise that the next few episodes will be more structured, but this was really just a brain fart, if you will. Why am I here? Yeah, thanks for listening. If you're an addict in suffering, there's hope for you. Don't lose hope. Your life can be amazing and beautiful, just like mine. Be kind to one another and I will talk to you next episode.